19 Feb 11

Saturday’s Memoirs: Adventures in Bad Online Dates — The Pre-School Teacher/ Stripper

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By DatingALemon

A girl on OKCupid messaged me. Well, first she winked at me; she then sent a message saying “you and I can get into a lot of trouble together.” She was 25 and a pre-school teacher. I’ve always had a thing for teachers, so this looked promising, the only problem was that she only had head shots and she was just average.

As I’m reading her profile she IMs me and I respond. We chat and she seems kinda cool. She tells me she didn’t have full body pics on the computer she used to create the profile, so she sends one from her phone. Again, just average. I figure maybe it’s time for an average teacher. We set up to meet at a dive karaoke bar on a Sunday night.

As I’m getting ready for the date, she texts me and says “I have something to tell you… I’m not a teacher, I’m a stripper… I understand if you want to cancel.” WHAT?!?! Now I’ve dated a stripper before, it was fun, but a disaster in the end… mainly cause she just wanted money. I figure I could at least meet this girl. I text back “it’s ok, still would like to meet you.”

We meet at the bar and talk. She was nice and sweet. A little trashier than her pics, but wasn’t bad. I was there for a little over an hour and we decided to have dinner the next day. I made plans to pick her up after work and go to a bar/restaurant.
I drove to her house and she texted me to call her when I’m there and she’ll show me her place. Cool… I get to enter the bat cave. I get to her place and she brings me in…….WOW!

When I was in college the pool for our apartment was condemned by the health department, our place was a dump and our landlord was a slum lord. We once said “we have rats..” he responded with “ok, go buy some mouse traps!” We didn’t care, we were 20 years old and drunk most of the time. Apparently, I time warped back to college when stepping into her place… it was a bizaro hot tub time machine.
None of her furniture matched, there was a janky tube TV in the corner, cigarette butts all over, a couple bottles of soda filled with cigarette butts, and stains over the carpet… I nearly gagged! On top of that, she looked horrible.

I was tipsy, when I first met her… and the lighting in a dark bar may have been forgiving. But for being 25, this girl was beat! Let’s not even talk about the leopard print bra that was jutting out of her top… I almost wanted to leave… I should have left! She almost wasn’t the same girl I met the night before.

The whole time I’m thinking, how is this girl a stripper? She must not get many customers. Well, in LA there are full nude clubs and bikini clubs. The bikini clubs can serve alcohol, and except for one particular club in West LA, most of the girls at the bikini clubs are nasty. Turns out, not only did this girl work for a bikini bar, but it was a bikini bar on the outskirts of town…. This all made sense! This is the equivalent of working on a practice squad for an arena football team.

We drive to the bar and I try to hold a normal conversation… this girl is dumb!! I’m knee deep and I’m STARVING… I’ll ride this out. We get to the place and head to the bar, now this bar happens to have a stripper pole… it was like a magnet. She asks “do you wanna see my moves?” I said “you know, let’s get some drinks first, then we can have a dance off!” She says “no look!” She straddles the pole, spins around, lifts one leg in the air and slides all the way to the ground… a total pro… the only problem is, there are about 20 other people there… all of them gasping! OK – MOVING ON!
We get to the bar and I order a drink – VODKA ON THE ROCKS – make it a double! She orders a Malibu with pineapple and grenadine and asks the bartender, “does this drink have a name?” He says ya “Malibu, pineapple, grenadine.” She says “I wanna name it, I’m gonna name it….. PUSSY! That’s it, this new drink is called PUSSY!” OMG!

Mind you, this wasn’t a loud bar, it was relatively quiet and we were the only ones sitting at the bar… and she was loud, even the waitress looked over in disbelief. GET ME OUT OF HERE! We had already ordered food, so I was committed for another 20 mins or so….I had to think of something!

I excused myself to the restroom and texted my best friend: “SAVE ME, CALL ME IN 10 MINS!” He responds with “OK.” My most brilliant move thus far, I change his name to WORK BOSS in my contacts and head back to the bar. I place the phone in-between us and start idle conversation. Longest 10 mins of my life…. Finally the phone rings… it says WORK BOSS (except his Facebook image still showed up next to the contact DOH!), she sees the phone and I say “I gotta take this, he never calls this late unless it’s an emergency!” I move to the corner, talk to my friend for a few mins, come back to the table and say “I HAVE to GO ASAP, my boss is in Japan and needs a presentation done in a couple hours cause it’s almost 9am there and he has to be ready for a meeting!” She totally buys it… and even says “it’s such a turn on that you’re so into your work and you’re so important.” GIVE ME A BREAK!!!

We close out, run to the car, drive fast to her place… hug her goodnight and BAM I’m done… 20 mins later I was at a bar having a drink with a friend and telling the story to a couple that just met on MATCH.com – that girl was cute, maybe I should sign up for match.
She’s texted me a few times since and I haven’t responded, luckily I haven’t heard from her in a few days – THANK GOD!!!
I seriously think I may shut down my OKCupid and Plenty Of Fish accounts, except for the masseuse (will post later, PROMISE)… nothing good has ever come out of them.

Moral of the story: I don’t know… but have an escape plan!

  • What do you think?

About Jennifer Kelton

Jennifer KeltonI did not wake up one morning and say “hey I think I’d like a man use my sweater like a towel, write a candid dating book, become a dating expert, the CEO and founder of a social dating site and have three blogs.”

All of this has happened in a slow burn and here I am. The good, the bad, the mistakes, way too many tears shed to count, lots of wine and oh my goodness a huge learning curve that leaves me much of the time saying, “I’m sorry but this is all new to me.”

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