7 Nov 10

Saturday’s Memoirs: Adventures in Bad Online Dates — When You Are My Girl Guy

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By Tiffany Moore

Been talking to this guy named “Sidney” for a couple months. My friend from work put me up on this dating site. I figure hey it can’t be any worse than the losers I have been meeting on the street. Conversation is cool. Seems like we may have a lot in common, so we make plans to meet up. I told him I will drive, (I need to have the control and the freedom to dip out when I want to)

I meet him at this dive bar. I would rather have met at Denny’s or the local ihop. Instead he invites me to this hole in the wall place, where duct tape covers the bar stools, and its smells like damp musty laundry. I walked into a thick fog of cigarette smoke straight into the devil’s lair. This man Sidney ended up being a goblin. He was not the same person in the pictures, light skinned, curly brown hair, light eyes, athletic build. He was nothing short of grotesque, acne scarred skin, balding, short pudgy build, teeth razor sharp like Jaws, and boobs with a bigger cup size than mine. (d cup) He did have light eyes though.

Ok I take a seat at the bar ordered a whiskey on the rocks-make that a double. He told me he has a surprise for me, oh another one I ask? (he didn’t get it) he told me he has played some songs on the jukebox for my enjoyment. I hear “At Last” by Ella Fitzgerald. The red-neck country boys in the back start to get fidgety. The biker boys at the pool table are wincing. I am embarrassed. Then this fool asks me to dance…. WHAT?! Hell no. This is not the place for 2 stepping, I respectfully decline.

He started his sentences with “When you are my girl…” “I can’t wait until WE” I stopped that muthasucka dead in his tracks and I turned up the ethnic volume. “check this out Sid-rock, you are doing way too much right now. Who is talking about relationships?, I just met you for the 1st time like 10 minutes ago. Maybe that’s why you have been dating for the last 6 years and haven’t had any luck. Slow it down.” He looked mad. I WAS mad. I ended the date.

He was telling me about his tattoo he just got on his arm and chest as I was walking out the door. I was like ok I’ll call you. Nice to meet you. I look back and he took off his overly snug striped sweater and had his man boobs exposed for the world to see. He says, ”look the work is almost done” he sported deep stretch marks, looking like he was covered in Top Ramen noodles. I told him he was being inappropriate, people hanging out were staring and laughing, I was red-faced and humiliated. I picked it up to a slight jog to rush and get to my car and get the hell up out of dodge. He also called me 16 times on my way home to see if I made it ok. I told him to lose my number at that point.

I still want to take him to court for false advertisement. I would sue for the amount of $1,038. $20 for dating site fees, $10 for gas, $8 for the double whiskey, and $1,000 for pain and suffering. I waited for the little person devil to pop out and say “You’re on hell date” like that funny TV show. Matter of fact, I’m still waiting.

  • What do you think?

About Jennifer Kelton

Jennifer KeltonI did not wake up one morning and say “hey I think I’d like a man use my sweater like a towel, write a candid dating book, become a dating expert, the CEO and founder of a social dating site and have three blogs.”

All of this has happened in a slow burn and here I am. The good, the bad, the mistakes, way too many tears shed to count, lots of wine and oh my goodness a huge learning curve that leaves me much of the time saying, “I’m sorry but this is all new to me.”

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