By Jennifer Kelton

It’s estimated about 60 percent of men and 40 percent of women will have an affair at some point in their marriage. Womensavers.com (Hello, Ashleymadison.com)

While it’s extremely difficult to get the precise numbers, I can say that unfortunately, unknowingly, and very much to my Brazilian waxed vaginal dismay I became part of 2009’s infidelity statistic. This unequivocally and absolutely goes against every grain of my moral, cellular and ethical being. And now my poor unsuspecting adulterous vagina — I just found out about this sexual and dishonorable tidbit of information last night over a Guinness beer at one of my favorite local Irish pubs.

I don’t remember the exact day, but what I do remember is that it was one of those typical warm California Summer nights — I recall feeling salty, sandy, and tanned from spending the afternoon at the beach, despite having taken a shower before heading out for food and cocktails. I was wearing black short shorts, brown equestrian style boots, and a vintage western blouse as I breezily went for sushi happy hour at an extremely trendy Venice Beach hot spot.

Once there, I ended up bumping into a local guy/friend that I once casually dated and his other friends at the bar. The guy I used to date had one friend who just so happened to be tall, dark and devilishly handsome. I was attracted to him immediately and the more he flirted with me the more charming and engaging he became.

The possibility of romance going further than the bar was absolutely the gigantic cartoonish caption bubble hovering over my captivated swooning head – A devilishly handsome flirty guy along with his tempting wooing ways was just too impossible to be true. However, he was I’d like to blank your brains out too hot to ignore.

As we all finished up at the bar, devilishly handsome guy invited me back to his swanky shoreline Santa Monica hotel for cocktails and while at the hotel’s bar the flirting became more sexual, but I was not objecting — perhaps he is “the one”?

Our heated exchange went on for about an hour and then he authoritatively asked for and paid our tab while simultaneously asking me if I wanted to go to his room. I’m not naive and figured that once getting there, I would go only as far as I wanted (sex wise). Immediately, when we got into the room he ordered a really good bottle of wine and it did not take long before we were on the bed kissing, clothes off, and having sex.

One thing that really pops out in my mind (no pun intended) was his forcefulness as he pushed my head to his “head” which in retrospect now seems to be overtly selfish behavior on his behalf. And what I now know became to be a one night stand with a married man.

He got up quickly right after he came and went to take a shower, as I laid there for a fast minute I knew I had to leave — something was not right. As I put my clothes back on, I wondered if I should leave my business card or my number on the hotel notepad. I opted not to and left quickly while he was still in the shower. I could see the steam drifting out from the slight crack in the pristine five-star hotel door….

To be continued.

By Jennifer Kelton

Since I’m on the subject of the good old days…

Penis…

I have to admit, other than being flashed online via Skype, it’s been about five months since I’ve seen one in the flesh.

It was back in December of 2009 and I met him at an English pub that’s close to my house and after too many glasses of cheap happy hour white wine we ended up in a women’s bathroom stall kissing like sweaty teenagers. Actually, I later found out he was pretty young (only 28) and while he was/is a super sweet guy in the end he’s just too young (I’m 44).

Even with as much fun as we had dating casually, at some point past his make-out skills, we just fizzled mostly because of the age difference between us.

The last time I saw him I remember him moving in for a good night kiss which left me just feeling like “mommy” (not a turn on) and 28-year-old guy went home minus a kiss goodnight and I no longer felt like “mommy”.

Fast forward to this morning when I was reading an article about how chimpanzees mourn their dead, which happens to be extremely similar to us. They also have 96% of the same genes. nationalgeographic.com

So what does this have to do with Part Two of the last Sex, Skype and Technology post?

A lot, since it also has to do with human behavior — as much as we try to escape the base of our DNA, it’s just impossible!

Did you know that male chimpanzees do most of the hunting for meat in joint groups of 1-35?

The kill is shared with their friends and allies and is also a way to gain sex.

Sex is what so much of life is based around. Really lets be real here, so much of life comes
back to sex.

Just take a look at sex in advertising. I’m not sure of the exact stats but my guess is at least 90% of it is geared towards selling you a product that will “help” you entice and attract the opposite sex. This is something that dates back to the 1800’s in ads for saloons, tonics, and tobacco…

Let’s face it sex sells.

This morning after my morning run, which is not only for my sanity but also for the fight against gravity on my body, and not just for me but because I want to be in shape and minus any muffin tops for that make-out session with the next penis I encounter.

I digress; also this morning I saw the latest TV commercial with Holly, aka Bad Date Betty who is one of the stars of Bad Date TV, for Wienerschnitzel.

200 years later sex still sells, but you know what? I still don’t want to see penises on Skype.

Wienerschnitzel “79 cent corn dog”

Bad Date? Good News!
Bad Date TV Contest
By Jessica Downey

We’ve all been on some really bad dates. You know, the kind of date that your friends don’t really believe happened. The kind that makes you want to swear off dating for good. Wouldn’t it be fantastic if there was some sort of reward for all these terrible dates? Well, brace yourselves because now there is one.

That’s right. You’re bad date story could win you a chance to appear on the next episode of Bad Date TV. Think of it this way. If you have ever had to sit through an excruciatingly bad date, here is your chance have a little something to show for it.

The process is very simple. All you need to do is tell BadOnlineDates your worst bad date story. You can tell your story through blog, iphone app or a video blog on the site. If you haven’t had a chance to check out the BadOnlineDates iPhone app, here is a great chance to do it. Not only will you be able to submit your entry, but there you also can check out all the blogs and videos from the site.

Entries must be made at any time from April 1, 2010 until June 1, 2010. A male and female winner will be chosen by their bad date story. Then the winners will travel on an expenses paid trip to Los Angeles in July 2010 where they will participate in a full day shoot on location with the Bad Date TV cast and crew.

This could be you… Enter today to win.

Watch Betty speed date and man test to find her next husband.

Episode is filled with dating humor and sex humor.

His persistence makes me uncomfortable, but no matter how curt or distant I am, he never goes away. In a strange twist of fate, as I was writing his part of the book, I saw him standing in front of the gym I go to. He had told me he was a member there, but I had never seen him at the club in the past. With a thumping heart and held breath, I put my head in my gym bag and walked right by unnoticed – dodged that bullet. I hope to never see him again.

My evenings with Moldy Shower Curtain Jesus, Mr. Cheats on His Girlfriend Room #104, and Cologne-Reeking Stalker Neighbor Damon really gave me pause. What is going on out here in the dating world?

I said to one of my girlfriends over dinner, “I feel like I’m doing a science project.” It was as if a semi-truck had just run over me and I lived to tell the story. Dating rituals are compelling and incredibly riveting acts of human behavior. In just a matter of days, I’d gone from being in my own world of work and counseling, to debauchery with Room# 104, to revulsion with a Neighbor Damon. Jesus started it all just months before. I was onto something.

I have always been intensely interested in humanity and human behavior. I’ve read many, many books on the subject, and there doesn’t seem to be any really honest information for women, or men, about the dating world. There are few works that address making good decisions, share real-life stories – the kind you would never tell at the family Thanksgiving table, but can touch a place deep within you and resonate.

I live by the words, “as long as you are honest, organized and on time you will be fine,” and I am determined to operate from a place of compassion and honesty. I feel very strongly that by being honest we have the potential to open up new and important dialogue. So from that point on, I made my dating life a “science project” and as with any hypothesis, you sometimes get unexpected results.

End of chapter… More chapters to come.

Just because a man buys you drinks does that entitle him to more?
August and September

One evening a few weeks later, I met a friend for dinner in Hollywood, and it just so happened that Damon’s company was having an event at a nearby club. He called me up and invited me to come, but I declined. “Well, do you think you could give me a ride home?” He went on to explain that his company had picked him up in a limo and he didn’t have his car. I didn’t think it was a big deal – the club was 10 minutes from the restaurant, and we live just a few blocks from one another in Venice, so I agreed. It seemed harmless.

I picked him up from the party, and as we got to the intersection of La Brea and Venice, about halfway home, he realized he left his keys at the club.

“What do you want to do?” I asked. I was frustrated, tired and just wanted to be home.

“I’ll call and have one of the workers from my office drive the van over and bring my keys. I know exactly where they are.”

Exasperated, I pull into the gas station under a lamppost. I was tired and wanted to be home and I was in no mood to be with him. We were there for only a couple of minutes when a police car pulled in. Since I’d been drinking at dinner, I moved the car to another section of the gas station lot. I didn’t want our loitering to draw any undue attention.

He got freaked out and shouted, “Why did you do that?”

“Well I’ve been drinking, the police are sitting right there, and I think its weird that we’re just sitting here in the car at the gas station. I mean it’s LA and crazy stuff goes on here – it looks conspicuous.”

We had a huge argument, which was par for the course. Everything with him was an argument – from buying me drinks to going on a date with him. I’m not an argumentative person, and I found it very manipulative of him. I was spending time with this man I didn’t even like, just to avoid an argument.

He continues to e-mail me and call a few times a month. I do not return his calls and am very short in e-mails with him. I respond once for every five or six emails I receive. A typical exchange goes something like this:

From: notDamonsemail@whatever.com 7:40 PM
Hi…
Damon

From: notDamonsemail@whatever.com 8:44 PM
Hey,
How’s it going?

From: notDamonsemail@whatever.com 8:48 PM
Just working…and you?
Moved to Venice
Damon

From: notDamonsemail@whatever.com 8:57 PM
Wanna meet for a drink at Za Zen?
Damon (phone number)

From: me@me.com 8:59 PM
I will be out of town till May 1.

From: notDamonsemail@whatever.com 9:00 PM
Where u going?
-D

From: notDamonsemail@whatever.com 9:13 PM
Guess not, huh.
-D

To be continued…