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Dear Sasha,
This is a very personal matter–but no matter how excited I get with a girl (I’m 24), I can only stay hard for about 15 minutes. It has made me not even want to date, what should I do?

Sincerely,
My private parts

Dear Mr. Private,
I don’t know who implanted men with this fallacy that sex needs to go all night long—though I assume Lionel Richie is to blame—but 15 minutes sounds right about perfect for me…just as long as there’s a round two.

The truth is, excitement is exciting for everyone. Think about it; when you make a girl moan, it makes you way hotter, right? If a girl knows you can barely keep it together because she’s so irresistible to you, she’s going to be flattered and turned on.

Still, learning to maintain your composure is something you should do and it will get easier as you get older.
First off, are you using condoms? Usually that barrier of latex creates a dullness that allows men to perform longer.

Second, slow your breathing and pretend you’re Sting. Tantric sex is all about slow, steady and sensual, which women prefer anyway. When you think you’re getting close to climax, slow down—or even pull out—take a few breaths and then get back into it.

And finally, and this is the most important lesson of all, get really good at going down on a girl.

No, I’m not kidding.

Since it obviously doesn’t take much to bring you to the finish line, do the same for your lady and ensure everyone is having a grand ol’ time.
Forget all that spell-the-alphabet-with-your-tongue stuff. Every girl is different and you have to address her needs. The sexiest thing you can say in bed is, “Tell me what you like.” Make that your go-to phrase and you’ll be just fine.

-Sasha

*Feel free to email us with any dating, relationship, love and sex questions you may have for Sasha.

By Rachel Spensatelli

Anyone who’s ever been in a relationship knows it’s not always rainbows, unicorns and butterflies. Occasional quarrels and disagreements just come with the territory. Arguing is natural, and as long as it’s done constructively, it can be healthy. Aside from knowing how and when to argue, where to argue is important too.

So what about couples who fight in public – which by the way is never, under any circumstance, acceptable. You wouldn’t bring your dirty laundry to lunch with you, would you? It’d be utterly bizarre, and chances are others don’t want to smell your stinky socks while trying to enjoy their sandwich.

A couple walked into my bar last week who ended up being the quintessential example of what can go wrong when arguing in public.

They walked in, she went to the bathroom, and he beelined straight to the bar. He ordered a beer for himself, a glass of wine for her, and a double shot of whiskey that he downed like a bat out of hell before she got back. The fact that he needed a double shot and was apparently hiding it from her was an instant red flag. She returned from the bathroom, makeup fresh, looking pretty, and sat closely down next to him — I wondered how in the world she ended up with him. I immediately sensed a travesty brewing.

He noticed that she had touched up her makeup and then sarcastically asked, whom she was trying to impress?. She responded with an eye-roll and snapped “evidently not you.” Their insensitive banter carried on and quickly escalated into an all out screaming match.

Soon he was outside pacing the pavement in frustration with his teeth clenched, and she was on the phone resembling a raccoon as mascara dripped down her face, as she cried hysterically to her mom. These two were beyond a hot sticky mess.

The girl picked up her dignity and headed for the door when he roughly grabbed her arm, pulled her into a chair, and yelled that she wasn’t going anywhere. Within minutes a customer called the cops and the couple who had just come in for a drink was now being questioned by the LAPD. Bottom line, he’d assaulted her, and the cops booked him. Point being, arguing is bad enough but when you do it in public, and it reaches a high enough velocity, one or both parties could end up spending the night spooning Big Bad Bubba Malone in the slammer.

Hopefully, that next morning the couple came to their senses and called their relationship quits. However, human nature being what it is, they probably enjoyed make-up sex, promised to see a counselor and stop drinking, but instead wound up back in the same old rut.

Some people bring out the worst in each other and this was unmistakably the case with these two. Sadly many spend their entire lives together based on habit instead of happiness.

Don’t get me wrong, every now and then it’s inevitable to have a minor spat when you’re out. Nevertheless, when the people sitting next to you hear you calling your date a fat lazy slob that’s when it crosses the line. Next time you’re in a public place and feel the urge to inform your girlfriend she’s a whore for flirting with the waiter, or yell at your boyfriend for sleeping with your sister, wait until you get home. It’s uncomfortable, awkward, and trashy. I can assure you nobody wants to hear it.

By J.R. Reed aka Sexandthesingledad

Getting divorced sucks. Especially when you have kids. My parents were married 46 years when my dad died and being married and sticking it out is what I knew. I married someone who was eventually diagnosed as bi-polar. She stopped taking her medicine when our daughter was five and there was no way I could have her living with our daughter and myself.

There were issues on both sides. It’s never entirely one person’s fault, but the up and down mood swings was too much to handle. What made it really tough on me was that I still had feelings for her. It wasn’t like there were big issues we were fighting about. It was all about her illness and the inability to function properly when she wasn’t taking her medicine.

I loved her, but I couldn’t be with her and that made it hard. Divorce is tough when the two people have zero love for each other, but it may be tougher when one of the couple doesn’t really want it to be over. There was no doubt in my mind that it needed to be over, but I didn’t really want this to be how it ended.

I ended up with full custody of my daughter and did what any good dad would do. I put on a happy face and made the best of the situation publicly, but inside I was a mess. I knew there was nothing I could do about it, yet I constantly second-guessed myself. When my ex took her medicine, everything was great, but I couldn’t force her to take her pill everyday.

Everyone deals with things in a different way. My way was to pull away from my friends and my family. I needed to keep my mind off it, so I started working more hours. By “more hours” I mean “too many hours”. I poured myself into work and internalized everything. When you’re working 70 hours a week and don’t let anything out, you become a time bomb. I ended up in the ER one night with my BP 245/160.

I was alienating myself from the very people I should be turning to and spending more time with. My friends were calling and asking to do things, but I blew them off every time. I was feeling like my life was in complete chaos. There was not a doubt in my mind about doing the right thing for my daughter, but I felt as if I was losing control.

I avoided dealing with my problem by working too much, but the problem didn’t go away. It only grew. My stress and constantly being burned out was affecting my health and my attitude, plus my friends were starting to get irritated and on my case. This sucked.

I don’t care how much you want the divorce or if divorce is the last thing you ever thought about, it’s going to be rough on you. You have to find someone to talk to—a friend, a counselor, the homeless guy at the park. Anyone will do. If you internalize everything you’ll end up in a bed at the ER with a doctor pouring nitro glycerin down your throat as the nurse asks about your living will. That way isn’t pleasant. Take my word for it.

Dear Sasha,
The woman I’m dating always puts her purse on the restaurant and bar top when we are out, even when I ask her not to because it grosses me out and I would hope that she would stop just as a matter of respect to me. Do you think it’s a sign of bigger things and issues in the future?

Sincerely,

Handbag Helper

Dear Handbag Helper-

Yes, I do think there are bigger issues at hand here…but I don’t think they’re hers.
Can you say “control issues much”? Your query has OCD and germaphobia written all over it.

On a recent episode of Oprah’s All-Stars (if you can’t tell, I’ve been having marathon viewings of OWN, Oprah Winfrey’s new cable network, and loving every second of it), Dr. Oz, who ruins everything with way too much information, told the audience that one of the dirtiest thing in the world is the bottom of a woman’s purse. I believe it. Mine is sitting on the floor of Starbucks as I type this. And I’m going to lick it just for you. Kidding, kidding, I just wanted to mess with you. Anyway, it sounds to me that you probably already know that and have some serious cleanliness parameters when it comes to your lady. Do you make her shower before sex too?

If it’s that big of an issue for you, why don’t you buy her an adorable little purse hook/hanger for her to carry around in the offending, germ-covered purse and you can avoid any further conflict? If you present it in a cute way, it can be a thoughtful gift and a running joke for the two of you.

But I do think you need to consider your own squeamishness and how that could negatively impact your relationships. Everyone has habits that other people find gross but you have to learn to work around your own crazy rather make others bend to your weird turn offs. For example, when people have a big frothy mouth of toothpaste as they’re brushing their teeth, it makes me literally gag. So what do I do? I avoid the bathroom when my boyfriend is Colgateing it up and looks like a rabid dog foaming at the mouth. Problem solved.

-Sasha

*Feel free to email us with any dating, relationship, love and sex questions you may have for Sasha.

*With great pleasure Episode 3 is in a St. Patrick’s Day partnership with Julie Spira The Cyber-Dating Expert.

Dear Sasha,
I’ve been dating this woman that I’m starting to like a lot, the only thing is she has pretty large boobs and goes braless most of the time. I see not only men staring all the time but women as well. Do I say something or not?

Sincerely,

My braless date

Dear Braless-
Oh my aching back! I’m having sympathy pains for your poor girlfriends’ breasts. Isn’t she uncomfortable?
I totally understand the burden of being overly “blessed” in the chest area. When I was in junior high, I was totally flat-chested and known as “No-Have-Titty,” after Nefertiti (we read a book called The Egypt Game and everyone thought that nickname was hilarious), or “Sasha, the Carpenter’s Dream: Flat as a Board.” Every night I would cry and pray for bigger breasts.

Then one day I woke up and realized you have to be very careful, and very specific, what you wish for. Without warning, I went from an A-cup to a DD and was horrified. My back killed, I’d get terrible headaches from the weight of my bra straps digging into my neck, I couldn’t jog without wearing two sports bras, my clothes didn’t fit and men would hoot and catcall on the street, and I was just 15. It was awful.

I decided to have a breast reduction when I was 16, but just a few weeks before I was scheduled to have the surgery, a very dear family friend died having the procedure done. Spooked and sad, I couldn’t go through with it and I went back to wearing baggy clothes and slumping my shoulders in an attempt to hide the unconcealable.

Finally, when I was 27, I dislocated a shoulder because of the size of my breasts (to avoid headaches, I would shove my bra straps further out on my shoulders and they popped the bone out of the socket by about two inches) and decided I’d had enough. Even though I was terrified, I had breast reduction surgery and I can now say it was the best smartest decision I’ve ever made.

But it was also the most personal.

You can’t police anyone else’s body. If your girl is comfortable and happy, isn’t that what’s important? You obviously liked what she had going on, with or without a bra, or else you wouldn’t be together. I wonder if perhaps other people’s looks are only now starting to bother you because you’re feeling more proprietary of her and her body, but it’s not up to you how she presents herself to the world.

-Sasha, aka: The Former Carpenter’s Dream

*Feel free to email us with any dating, relationship, love and sex questions you may have for Sasha.

By Kari DePhillips

We all make mistakes, and cheating can be one of them. Cheating can ruin relationships, destroy trust and make you look like a first-class a-hole. If word gets out that you’re a cheater, you can develop an unsavory reputation that can be hard to shake. That said, is cheating ever okay?

No, not really.

A Symptom of a Larger Problem

If you’re tempted to cheat, it could mean that your relationship is headed to Splittsville (Population: 2). Being tempted to stray is usually a symptom of larger problems – and you should take an objective look at yourself and your relationship, and then figure out if it’s something you want to remain committed to. It’s important to remember that the grass isn’t always greener on the other side (sometimes, it just looks greener because it’s been fertilized with bullsh!t).

What’s causing your desire to sow other oats? If it’s lack of chemistry in the bedroom, try spicing things up with a new toy – battery operated friends are the gifts that keep on giving. Sexual compatibility can wane over time, but there are lots of things you can do to get back into the swing of things. A waning emotional or intellectual chemistry is more of a challenge to fix, and could signal that it’s time to move on.

How Big of a D-Bag Are You?

If you’ve cheated, you’re pretty much limited to four options:

1. Keep your mouth shut and continue your relationship (until you get caught, at least)
2. Keep your mouth shut and end your relationship
3. ‘Fess up to your partner and try to stay in the relationship
4. Come clean to your partner and leave

If you’re ready to leave, #2 might be the best option – it’ll at least keep the misery to a minimum. #4 is pretty much the meanest alternative available, if you’re going to pack your bags and leave. Otherwise, I suggest going with option #1 and resolving to never do it again. From what I’ve seen on TV psych shows, admitting that you cheated will only clear your conscience, it won’t benefit your partner at all.

Try Opening Things Up

If cheating has been a recurring theme in your life, you might want to consider talking to your partner about opening up your relationship. Although it may seem counterintuitive, it could be a good compromise for the forward thinking and adventurous. Besides, cheating is only cheating if you’re in a monogamous relationship.

A survey of people aged 18-39 by Washington State University’s Social and Economic Sciences Research Center showed that although 95% of couples expect monogamy, 18% of women and 27% of men admitted to having sex with at least one other partner in their latest exclusive relationship. If more than 1 in 5 people are going to cheat anyway, why not give an open relationship a try? You’ll be in good company: Brangelina, Will and Jada and Justin & Jessica are all reported to be in open relationships.

Dear Sasha,
I dread Valentine’s Day! Last year I had a huge fight with my boyfriend of 3 years the night of and we broke up for the last time of an on again and off again relationship. Honestly I feel like I’ve been traumatized about the day. Just the writing the word makes my hands sweat… I’m seeing someone new now that I really like him, but I’m embarrassed to tell him my about my “Valentine’s phobia.” He might think I’m a drama queen…

Sincerely,
I have a Valentine’s Day phobia

Dear VD Phobic-
Haven’t we all been a little traumatized by Valentine’s Day?

From the time we’re in grade school, a sense of Valentine’s Doomsday is instilled when we first suffer the pressure of giving valentines to everyone in the class, even the kids you hate or the boy that puts worms in your hair. Then you get to junior high and have to pray that someone sends you one of those lame candy-grams that get announced in homeroom so you don’t look like a flaming loser. Pretty soon you’re in high school and frantic for a date to the Valentine’s Day dance to avoid the same shame. And, before you know it, you’re old enough to be made to feel pathetic if you’re dateless and having a wannabe Sex in the City girls night when Cupid’s arrow should be striking.

I can’t tell you how many Valentine’s Days I suffered through single, feeling the panic rise as January ended, followed by depression and eventually terror, knowing the only love I’d get on February 14th would be from my mom and dad, until one year when I finally had a boyfriend to celebrate Valentine’s Day with. And you know what? It sucked! I thought it would be all romantic and magical. Nope! Everywhere we went there were super long lines to eat and couples bickering as they waited for tables and overpriced prix fixe meals, swarmed by tacky red balloons and wilting roses. It didn’t feel special; it felt like enforced fun, which is the worst kind.

The best thing to do when it comes to Valentine’s Day is chillax and try not to make a big deal out of it. It’s just another day, one that has more marketing dollars behind it than most. Just because there’s a day marked on the calendar that other people tell you is important, that doesn’t mean you have to spend it guzzling cheap drugstore chocolate in a heart-shaped box or reciting poetry or pretending to be more in love than you would on any other day of the year.

When you’re in a good relationship, every day you spend with that person should be special, not just the day ordained by Hallmark. This Valentine’s Day, take a deep breath, have fun and remember, it’s only a big deal if you make it one.
-Sasha

*Feel free to email us with any dating, relationship, love and sex questions you may have for Sasha.

By Patrick Curry

Somehow, someway, somewhere you meet her. Not just her, but Her. Then, you get to know her, and it’s great. Then you fall, really fall for her, and it’s fantastic. Your relationship takes off, all systems go, the months fly by and things couldn’t be better. Colors are brighter, foods tastier, and the whole nine yards. Until, all of a sudden, just like that, out of the blue nowhere, she finds someone else, she blows you off. So, women ask, how does it feel for a guy when he’s blown off?

To give you an honest and blunt opinion, it is a miserable experience. Absolutely miserable. And, I think I’m safe when I say that it’s probably incredibly similar to the way a woman feels when she gets blown off. Regardless of gender, at the end of the day, true feelings are true feelings, and they can really get hurt. I mean, I could give you the stereotypical, masculine, cold shoulder no emotion point of view, which is true for some guys and to some extent; but any guy whose ever been in a great relationship, or any guy that is worth being in a great relationship with, will actually feel. And the worst part about it is the other guy. But to answer your question in full, I’ll give you an account of the various stages any decent hearted male will go through when he’s dumped for another.

Initially you’ll ask, question, obsess over, what it is that he has that I don’t. What does she see in him that she doesn’t see in me? And this period will go on for a while and won’t get you anywhere really except feeling sorry for yourself and angry at her. After that, thankfully, eventually, and most likely due to good, sense-talking friends, you’ll start to realize that yeah, you really liked her, and things were great, but if you were putting your true self out there, and that didn’t do it for her, then it’s her loss.

Maybe it sounds a bit cliché, but it’s the truth. And then you’ll start to realize that all the negative thoughts aren’t really worth it. And after that, sooner or later, you’ll be over it. Of course, every now and then maybe you’ll hear a song or think of something that will remind you of her and give you an unexpected pang, but even those will lessen in time. And then, most likely due to the same good, sense-talking friends, who also like to take you out on the town and buy you rounds of drinks, you’ll meet someone new.

So yeah, it definitely hurts to be blown off- I’d be lying if I said it didn’t. But is it the end of the world? Of course not.