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By Daniel Ponsky

What is it inside of us human beings that stir our attraction for others? No easy question if you think about all of the different people you know and then think about the reasons why you like them. Is it on personal, social or business terms? Do they help make you money in your profession or simply have love for you because you have known them for forever and that’s just who they are. The point I am trying to get at is most of the times the reason I think we are attracted to a person in any walk of life is because that person in some way, shape or form accepts us for who we are and doesn’t tell is what to do. Unless it’s a parent, wife, or boss and that is what that is.

I have had my fair share of dates throughout the years. Some of them good, some of them bad, but the memorable one’s that always seem to stick around are of the girls that wanted to “run the show”. Bossy little drama queens was what they really were. Actress, princesses mostly who manage to slip underneath my radar until the second drink of the night awakened her inner Kraken. Oh my! Nothing stands out more then Donna. Now this girl could tell you who she was, where she was going, and why you weren’t good enough to be there with her when she finally gets there. And she would lay that smack down on a dude before the appetizer arrived just to let you know she got you. I respect that though cause she’s forward. No BS, no games, I found her to be refreshing compared to some of the hoochie mamacitas rolling around Los Angeles thinking they are somebody special. What is it with some of the women in this town who think their gift is to tell a man how to live his life? I mean who the hell are they to tell me where the best restaurant is to have sushi? It’s an opinion I get that but some of you ladies take it to another level and you look at food places like your comparing Versace purses. Just cause Leo eats there doesn’t make that place good. I mean how do you know that Leo don’t have an underdeveloped pallet from birth and can’t tell when the smelt is off on the California Roll? Just sayin.

Oh it goes the other way too. I have seen, known, and witnessed many a dude try and “run the show” by bossing his lady around. This sickens me. Nothing is worse then an out of control egotist who can’t get enough. Let me say this just to say this. If you are a woman and your man, lover, or whatever tries to run your world and tell you what to do in private, public or wherever, and that guy can’t no for an answer…leave his butt.

Believe me, it isn’t going to get any better. Public displays of affection can be heartwarming, but public displays of brutality can be nauseating and uncomfortable to anyone who has to witness it. Know who you are inside and out. Respect that, give that back in life, but never sacrifice it to anyone for anything. Our voice and our perspective make us who we are in this life and no one person should ever have the power to take that away.

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By Rachel Spensatelli

Anyone who’s ever been in a relationship knows it’s not always rainbows, unicorns and butterflies. Occasional quarrels and disagreements just come with the territory. Arguing is natural, and as long as it’s done constructively, it can be healthy. Aside from knowing how and when to argue, where to argue is important too.

So what about couples who fight in public – which by the way is never, under any circumstance, acceptable. You wouldn’t bring your dirty laundry to lunch with you, would you? It’d be utterly bizarre, and chances are others don’t want to smell your stinky socks while trying to enjoy their sandwich.

A couple walked into my bar last week who ended up being the quintessential example of what can go wrong when arguing in public.

They walked in, she went to the bathroom, and he beelined straight to the bar. He ordered a beer for himself, a glass of wine for her, and a double shot of whiskey that he downed like a bat out of hell before she got back. The fact that he needed a double shot and was apparently hiding it from her was an instant red flag. She returned from the bathroom, makeup fresh, looking pretty, and sat closely down next to him — I wondered how in the world she ended up with him. I immediately sensed a travesty brewing.

He noticed that she had touched up her makeup and then sarcastically asked, whom she was trying to impress?. She responded with an eye-roll and snapped “evidently not you.” Their insensitive banter carried on and quickly escalated into an all out screaming match.

Soon he was outside pacing the pavement in frustration with his teeth clenched, and she was on the phone resembling a raccoon as mascara dripped down her face, as she cried hysterically to her mom. These two were beyond a hot sticky mess.

The girl picked up her dignity and headed for the door when he roughly grabbed her arm, pulled her into a chair, and yelled that she wasn’t going anywhere. Within minutes a customer called the cops and the couple who had just come in for a drink was now being questioned by the LAPD. Bottom line, he’d assaulted her, and the cops booked him. Point being, arguing is bad enough but when you do it in public, and it reaches a high enough velocity, one or both parties could end up spending the night spooning Big Bad Bubba Malone in the slammer.

Hopefully, that next morning the couple came to their senses and called their relationship quits. However, human nature being what it is, they probably enjoyed make-up sex, promised to see a counselor and stop drinking, but instead wound up back in the same old rut.

Some people bring out the worst in each other and this was unmistakably the case with these two. Sadly many spend their entire lives together based on habit instead of happiness.

Don’t get me wrong, every now and then it’s inevitable to have a minor spat when you’re out. Nevertheless, when the people sitting next to you hear you calling your date a fat lazy slob that’s when it crosses the line. Next time you’re in a public place and feel the urge to inform your girlfriend she’s a whore for flirting with the waiter, or yell at your boyfriend for sleeping with your sister, wait until you get home. It’s uncomfortable, awkward, and trashy. I can assure you nobody wants to hear it.

By Kelly Seal

Maybe you’re a single man who’s hot, successful, or some form of a great catch. However, you can’t seem to make it past the first date or two, and can’t understand why. Instead of assuming the problem is with your dates, maybe you should consider the possibility that it’s with you.

Allow me to explain.

None of us is perfect. We all have bad habits, maybe even some that we aren’t aware of. While you may think you have a lot going for you, sometimes the one bad habit can instantly kill any attraction between you and your date. For instance, do you pick your nose without thinking? Are you reluctant to leave more than a $5 tip? Does your car smell like an ashtray? I’m not naming names, but following are a few examples of romance killers from my own personal dating history. My regret is that I never had the courage to tell these men that they turned me off because of a habit I found particularly disgusting or annoying. So likely they went on to the next date and repeated the same thing, wondering what the hell they were doing wrong.

(And by the way, it’s not that guys are the only ones to criticize…women have some equally disgusting habits. But my experience is in dating men, so I’ll talk about them.)

If you see yourself in any of these scenarios, a word of caution: keep the habit, and you’ll have a hard time getting past the initial date, no matter how great you are otherwise. Trust me on this.

The Hoarder:
I once dated a man who was tall, good-looking, and athletic. I was smitten. For our first date, he picked me up to take me to dinner. Strewn across the floor and seat of the passenger side of his car were half-empty bottles of Naked Juice and congealed smoothies. We tried to pick them up and toss them in the backseat, but that was full, too. There was an odd, sickly sweet smell that permeated his car. “Sorry about that, I didn’t have time to clean my car,” he said shyly. Needless to say, I didn’t return his texts after that. I couldn’t even eat dinner.

Coupon guy:
A man who seemed nice, attractive, and charming took me out on a first date to a little Italian restaurant around the corner from my apartment. I was impressed that he’d made the long drive to my part of town. But when the waiter came to deliver the check, my date slipped a half price coupon into his hand. “I’m glad I got that in the mail last week,” he said, smiling at me. “This is an expensive place for a first date.” The total bill before the coupon? $34.

1980’s revisited:
A man once picked me up for a date sporting a mullet, acid-washed jeans and bright white Addidas. He took me to the mall. We ate at Baja Fresh and then headed to the movie theatre, where he attempted to buy our tickets with his expired AMC gift card. Note: if you remember having the same date in middle school, don’t do it now.

The Leaner:
This is a standard but worth pointing out. I’ve dated several men who chew food with mouths wide open. Bits of salad and mashed potato go flying from their lips into my nice glass of Pinot Noir. I back away, but then they lean in closer to talk to me as I watch bits of their food floating in my glass. So please, if you’re a messy eater don’t come closer. And say it, don’t spray it.

Ear picker:
If you feel the need to clean your ears, please do so prior to the date. I don’t want to see your waxy finger while I’m eating. Also, for the man whose roommate liked to swab his ears with Q-Tips and leave them lying around their apartment: that’s the reason I never came back.

Girly drinker:
Maybe you like Cosmopolitans or dessert wines, but please don’t order them in front of me. Be a man and have a beer or a normal glass of wine. This gives you more credibility. I have to wonder about the sexual prowess of a guy who likes candy cocktails.

I hope you found this brief list helpful. And if you catch a date doing something equally disgusting or annoying, please be sure to let him or her know. We’ll all be better off for it.

Dear Sasha,

I’ve been seeing this woman for about three months now; she is great in most ways except she’s a huge social climber and will cancel plans at the last moment if she thinks it will advance her social status, both socially and in business. Is this a dating deal breaker?

Sincerely,
Is social climbing a dating deal breaker?

Dear Stepping Stone-
A truly pressing question to me seems to be: What’s more important; dating a women you like or dating a woman who supports your ambition?

If your lady has the chance to get cocktails and schmooze with people who can get her work or spend a night on the couch watching CSI: Miami with you, I see nothing wrong with ditching you for the more fruitful activity. While a last minute change of plans is a bit rude, if you haven’t noticed, we’re in a vicious time economically and people need every advantage at their disposal to keep their heads above water. One of the things that first attracted you to this woman must have been her drive and desire, but now it seems to be turning you off as you take a backseat to her priority, which is making a name for herself.

If you really like her, you need to take a page from the Stedman Graham playbook. “Who’s that?” you may ask. Why that’s Mr. Oprah, my friend. A successful entrepreneur and philanthropist, Stedman is best known for being Oprah Winfrey’s finance since 1992 (they say they’re married “spiritually” and plan to keep it that way rather than going through a whole white wedding song and dance). Over the course of their two and a half-plus decade relationship, who often do you think Oprah has pulled the ol’ “Sorry, baby, but I’ve got another commitment tonight?” Plenty, I’m sure. That doesn’t mean she loves Stedman any less, she just wants to have other accomplishments besides being a good girlfriend.

Not only do I see nothing wrong with what you dub “social climbing,” I think it’s commendable.
-Sasha

*Feel free to email us with any dating, relationship, love and sex questions you may have for Sasha.

By Jack Elliot

Inside the bar you see the live band full of attractive musicians. You see the crowd dancing, enjoying themselves. You see couples throughout the bar, having drinks and relishing in each other’s company. You see the numerous singles throughout the bar talking, joking, trying to make something happen. You see the poor busboys desperately trying to clean up empty glasses and restock the bar. Everyone’s quite attractive. But, no one seems to really strike your eye, no one you really desire, no one with that je-nais-sais-quos.

That is, until you turn your eyes behind the bar and you see the bartenders rushing left and right in a sort of organized, brilliant burst of artistic chaos as they work through the night hours. And then one in particular really takes all your attention. You can tell that he is incredibly busy- but you can’t help thinking about hitting on him. So, what do you do? Do you just order your drinks, check him out while he gets it ready, and leave a nice tip- forever wondering about maybe, just maybe, what could have been. Or do you decide to be bold and try to get him to pause for a bit, try to talk him up, and see what happens? Hence this weeks topic: to hit on the bartender or not?

This is not an easy question and there are innumerable factors to consider. A lot depends on the time of day. If it’s during happy hour and the bar is just getting going and you’re really into one of the bartenders, then hell yeah, go for it. But if it’s a busy Friday night, the bartender could be so slammed that he really doesn’t have any time to think about anything but the 15 drinks and the corresponding tabs/last names running through his head and any attempt at hitting on him would just be annoying. But then again, it all really depends on the bartender.

Also, I’d also say that the bartender’s gender plays a pretty big role. Female bartenders are constantly, perpetually being hit on by guys- it’s almost as if it’s a part of their job description. And I know the one’s that I work with have more or less developed an immunity to the passes made by males (and are also in committed relationships). If you’re going to hit on a female bartender, chances are you’ll just be another number. I’d say that, overall, the better shot lies with going for a male bartender.

And then there’s the whole aspect of a bartender’s role to consider. You have to remember that at the end of the day, most bartenders are just trying to make as many tips as possible. And what’s the best way for them to make those tips? For them to provide you with good conversation, humor, strong drinks, and even a bit of flirtation. So although you may think that they’re into you, they really could just be sweet-talking you. But who knows, I can only tell you so much. I mean, it never hurts to try.

By Jack Elliot

PDA. It doesn’t look so bad when you read it- just three simple letters minding their own business, respectfully keeping their appendages to themselves, and not really doing anything to disturb you. But when these letters are taken off the page and are brought into reality, they can get ugly real fast, as I’m sure you can attest.

Unfortunately, witnessing and putting up with large amounts of PDA on an almost day-to-day basis is one of the more negative aspects of a bartending job. Which leads me to the question: why do people, or should I say, “sloppy drunks,” choose to engage in these public displays of affection?

Is it to 1) show off how hot and steamy their relationship is?
Is it to 2) make you writhe with jealousy?
Is it because 3) their unbridled love is so passionate that it cannot wait till later on?
Or is it because 4) they are wasted and aren’t really thinking about the world outside of them?

Where does this desire to distastefully exhibit your love to the world around you stem from?

In response to question 1, if a couple is engaging in PDA to show how hot and steamy their relationship is, they have many, many issues. First off, if there relationship is so hot and steamy, there really shouldn’t have been any reason for them to leave their room to start with. And in addition, if the couple would rather make out and grope each other instead of having conversation and enjoying each other’s company, it probably follows that they don’t have a lot of things to say to each other and are more than likely relying on lust to keep their relationship going.

In response to question 2, if a couple is trying to make you jealous by there PDA and it’s working, this means that you’re a creep and have nothing better to do but watch other people make out at a bar.

In response to question 3, perhaps a couple does have an astounding level of sexual chemistry and attraction, which is all well and good. But if they are engaging in massive amounts of PDA, they probably lack a certain maturity and respect for each other, which are two essential aspects to any healthy relationship.

In response to question 4, from my observations, being wasted seems to contribute the most to excessive PDA. It is as if people who are normally able to keep their hands to themselves lose all control after a few drinks. And if being wasted is a couple’s reason for engaging in PDA, well then they sure as hell better leave a good tip.

But when it comes down to it, any reason behind PDA does not matter- because there is absolutely no way to justify it. It is incredibly distasteful, inappropriate, and rude. You’re into each other. You both get it. We get it. Everyone in the bar gets it. Which leaves only one thing left for you to get…

By Kari DePhillips

Across the globe, people young and old engage in the elaborate social ritual known as “dating.” However, what that means can vary from country to country. As a result, it’s important to arm yourself with as much knowledge as possible – especially if you’re into accents. For example:

In Britain, men are far less likely to write love poems and make other romantic gestures. Instead, a Brit often purchases sexy lingerie for the woman of his dreams. And that’s probably where she’ll stay, if he doesn’t stop buying a thong instead of roses every time he does something wrong.

Don’t expect to get lucky on the first date in South Korea. It might take up to two months for a Korean couple to exchange even a kiss on the cheek. A long-term relationship might include some action, but only after a year or longer. How long do you wait before doing the deed?

In Thailand, dating isn’t just between a guy and a girl. If a couple decides to start dating, they’ll bring along family members and discuss a wide variety of issues, from politics to business. Thai people like to be educated and well versed in many different topics, and want to impress both their potential partner and their entire extended family. Oh, the pressure!

In some parts of India, dating only begins after marriage has been arranged by the couple’s parents. When the happy couple meets for the first time, they are expected to accept or reject the person within days of meeting, if not that very same day…and you thought Thai dating was stressful!

If you’re a man in Spain, get used to holding doors. And ladies, don’t offer to pay. Not only is it expected that he’ll treat, you might even offend him. Gender roles are considered a time-honored tradition throughout Spain. Invitations to a date are often very formal, and the date itself may come only after meeting your crush’s entire family. North of Spain lies Sweden, where women are expected to take the initiative. They’re responsible for getting the phone number and making the first move, usually by text.

Australians are known for being exceedingly fair. Blokes and sheilas tend to go halfsies on dates. Of course, equality applies to drinking as well, since women as well as men are expected to purchase rounds for the entire drinking party.

Where do you stand on the gender divide? Should men pay on dates, or should they split it equally? Is it chivalrous or insulting when a man opens the door for a woman? Let us know in the comments section – in the meantime, I’ll be packing my bags for Spain.

How it Makes Me Feel When He Doesn’t Call After Sex

By Dani Katz

It was purely carnal; we used each other’s bodies to get off and then discovered the chemistry wasn’t there, we didn’t fit quite right, or we loathed each other after we came. He didn’t call. Whew. I’m relieved to not have to deal with a messy tangle of unrequited emotions, or the awkward ensuing dialogue. In those instances, the process of unraveling my own self-judgments, reevaluating my aqueous boundaries and reigning in my historically troublesome lust takes precedence, and I’m happy to have the space to deal with them on my own.

When he doesn’t call, and I was into him, it’s a whole different ballgame: I’m confused, hurt, sad and pissed – as much at myself as at the contracted cowardly boy who hasn’t the courage, the tools or the dignity to deal with me openly and honestly. And then comes despair, where I wallow and wonder if there’s any hope for the entirety of this emotionally retarded humanity, when the man with whom I spent the night naked and entwined can’t, or simply doesn’t, respect me enough to share a next-day conversation about it.

But, that’s an Aquarian indulgence, and a cop-out, so let’s go back to my own feelings. I’m human, I’m excited to connect and to play and to love, and in the space and silence of no communication whatsoever, I’m left to assume the worst – that I’m broken, that I’m unattractive, that he’s dead. It strikes me as one of the most damaging and painful ways to (not) relate – to avoid the other, to run-away and to hide.

And yes, I see the hypocrisy – it’s right there, a couple paragraphs up, where I’d rather not deal with the discomfort of an “I’m not that into you” conversation. No one likes to have those conversations – well, no one who’s not a sadist or a cutter, but still, these are the conversations we must be bold enough to engage, because we are, in this lonesome moment, a sorely disconnected species of intimacy-starved beings, and the only way we’re going to evolve into better lovers is by respecting ourselves and each other enough to communicate what we are feeling, even if what we are feeling is: I’m not attracted to you, and I don’t want to do this again. Because on the other side of that craggy sentence no one has to wonder, no false hopes need linger, and everyone involved is free.