Book Excerpt – Don’t Use My Sweater Like a Towel

By Jennifer Kelton

‘What is love?’ Shakespeare mused.The Great bard was not the first to ask. I suspect our ancestors pondered this question a million years ago as they sat around their campfires of lay and watched the stars.
—Helen Fisher,Why We Love

IT WAS ANOTHER picturesque summer night along the Southern California coast. I sat at the bar of the Mercedes Grill, one of my favorite work spots, while listening to freshly downloaded hip-hop on my iPod and reading over a massive stack of notes about the chemical reactions that occur during the various stages of human love. A man sporting a huge, unkempt mustache and tacky, black rayon Hawaiian shirt sat down next to me and asked what I was doing. He was somewhat gruff—certainly no Johnny Depp. But not wanting to be rude, I answered him.

“It’s research for a book I’m writing.This chapter is about how chemicals in the body are released during each stage of lust, attraction and love. Such as dopamine, phenylethylamine, testosterone, and oxytocin.

He cut me off impolitely and said,“Love does not involve chemicals. Testosterone is the only chemical involved with love.” Okay. Whatever you say, mustache guy. I began to explain further, but he cut me off again, resolute that I was incorrect.

His opposition shocked me. In front of me were numerous articles and two books by Helen Fisher, PhD that report- ed otherwise, but this man insisted he was right.There were no ands, ifs or buts as far as he was concerned. Not only was his protest puzzling, his closed-mindedness was uneducated.

It was turning into an argument, so I moved to a stool at the other end of the bar.
Months later, I attended a family wedding; all my nieces and nephews were there. I was bowled over at how much they all had grown since I last saw them. My niece Megan had gone from a kid to a teenager seemingly overnight.

We were sitting around talking when the subject of puberty and hormones came up: cone tits, pubic hair, the works. Listening to what they knew, which was very little, I realized that many of us are still operating with the same information about hormones that we got (or did not get) when we were eleven. I thought of mustache guy, who was no more informed than my eleven-year-old niece, or as I was up until a few months ago.

This is not the stuff you learn in health class. Hopefully after you read this you won’t think love is just about testosterone, but will have a better understanding of how hormones influence our brains and bodies. The next time you have that I-just-can’t-get-you-off-my-mind feeling, you’ll know it’s the chemical network built into your DNA.

The truth is, falling in love is equivalent to being on drugs, and I am talking hard drugs. As Dr. Susan Block says, “Falling in love is a natural high finer and smoother than anything you could inject, smoke, snort, drink or swallow. Of course, love is not something you can pick up at the pharmacy or even on the black market. It strikes you like a mystical gift from god, or a practical joke from tricky, fickle old Hot Mama Nature. Then it stirs up the euphoric, love-juicy chemical goo that permeates your cells, creating a place within you where hormones meet holiness, wildflowers bloom, angels dance, and the city never sleeps.”

Hormones 101 At any given time, hundreds of chemicals course through our bodies and affect our behavior.They control everything from eating and sleeping to laughing and crying. Hormones are chemicals that act as messengers, bringing information to and from cells. Neurotransmitters are chemicals that send electric impulses between the neurons of the brain to other cells in the body.

Androgens and Estrogens are steroid groups found in both genders that act primarily as sex hormones.While men and women produce hormones from both groups, women have higher quantities of estrogens, while men have higher quantities of androgens. Testosterone is a member of the androgen group. It enhances libido, increases energy and buffers the immune system in both men and women. Estradiol, estriol, and estrone are estrogens produced when androgens synthesize with enzymes.These hormones, excreted by the reproductive organs (ovaries in women and testes in men) and the brain, intensify the drive to mate and procreate.

Dopamine is a neurotransmitter often called the pleas- ure/pain chemical. It is closely associated with sexual desire and addiction. Dopamine also affects the brain functions of movement and emotional reaction. Dopamine increases sex drive by boosting the release of testosterone. According to Helen Fisher,“It’s the neurochemical dopamine in particular that allows us to maintain romantic love’s unique, intoxicating properties, even as we tread water in the tranquil sea of long term attachment.”

Norepinephrine is a neurotransmitter that also acts as a stress hormone, affecting attention span and impulsiveness.

Book Excerpt – Don’t Use My Sweater Like a Towel

The Dating in Disguise game show – Because sometimes love is just a matter of luck! Each constant has 3 chances for love along with a cash or zonker prize twist.

By Patrick Curry

Somehow, someway, somewhere you meet her. Not just her, but Her. Then, you get to know her, and it’s great. Then you fall, really fall for her, and it’s fantastic. Your relationship takes off, all systems go, the months fly by and things couldn’t be better. Colors are brighter, foods tastier, and the whole nine yards. Until, all of a sudden, just like that, out of the blue nowhere, she finds someone else, she blows you off. So, women ask, how does it feel for a guy when he’s blown off?

To give you an honest and blunt opinion, it is a miserable experience. Absolutely miserable. And, I think I’m safe when I say that it’s probably incredibly similar to the way a woman feels when she gets blown off. Regardless of gender, at the end of the day, true feelings are true feelings, and they can really get hurt. I mean, I could give you the stereotypical, masculine, cold shoulder no emotion point of view, which is true for some guys and to some extent; but any guy whose ever been in a great relationship, or any guy that is worth being in a great relationship with, will actually feel. And the worst part about it is the other guy. But to answer your question in full, I’ll give you an account of the various stages any decent hearted male will go through when he’s dumped for another.

Initially you’ll ask, question, obsess over, what it is that he has that I don’t. What does she see in him that she doesn’t see in me? And this period will go on for a while and won’t get you anywhere really except feeling sorry for yourself and angry at her. After that, thankfully, eventually, and most likely due to good, sense-talking friends, you’ll start to realize that yeah, you really liked her, and things were great, but if you were putting your true self out there, and that didn’t do it for her, then it’s her loss.

Maybe it sounds a bit cliché, but it’s the truth. And then you’ll start to realize that all the negative thoughts aren’t really worth it. And after that, sooner or later, you’ll be over it. Of course, every now and then maybe you’ll hear a song or think of something that will remind you of her and give you an unexpected pang, but even those will lessen in time. And then, most likely due to the same good, sense-talking friends, who also like to take you out on the town and buy you rounds of drinks, you’ll meet someone new.

So yeah, it definitely hurts to be blown off- I’d be lying if I said it didn’t. But is it the end of the world? Of course not.

By Kari DePhillips

Across the globe, people young and old engage in the elaborate social ritual known as “dating.” However, what that means can vary from country to country. As a result, it’s important to arm yourself with as much knowledge as possible – especially if you’re into accents. For example:

In Britain, men are far less likely to write love poems and make other romantic gestures. Instead, a Brit often purchases sexy lingerie for the woman of his dreams. And that’s probably where she’ll stay, if he doesn’t stop buying a thong instead of roses every time he does something wrong.

Don’t expect to get lucky on the first date in South Korea. It might take up to two months for a Korean couple to exchange even a kiss on the cheek. A long-term relationship might include some action, but only after a year or longer. How long do you wait before doing the deed?

In Thailand, dating isn’t just between a guy and a girl. If a couple decides to start dating, they’ll bring along family members and discuss a wide variety of issues, from politics to business. Thai people like to be educated and well versed in many different topics, and want to impress both their potential partner and their entire extended family. Oh, the pressure!

In some parts of India, dating only begins after marriage has been arranged by the couple’s parents. When the happy couple meets for the first time, they are expected to accept or reject the person within days of meeting, if not that very same day…and you thought Thai dating was stressful!

If you’re a man in Spain, get used to holding doors. And ladies, don’t offer to pay. Not only is it expected that he’ll treat, you might even offend him. Gender roles are considered a time-honored tradition throughout Spain. Invitations to a date are often very formal, and the date itself may come only after meeting your crush’s entire family. North of Spain lies Sweden, where women are expected to take the initiative. They’re responsible for getting the phone number and making the first move, usually by text.

Australians are known for being exceedingly fair. Blokes and sheilas tend to go halfsies on dates. Of course, equality applies to drinking as well, since women as well as men are expected to purchase rounds for the entire drinking party.

Where do you stand on the gender divide? Should men pay on dates, or should they split it equally? Is it chivalrous or insulting when a man opens the door for a woman? Let us know in the comments section – in the meantime, I’ll be packing my bags for Spain.

Sasha Speaks 11.8.10

Dear Sasha,

Sincerely,
In love but sexless

Dear Sexless,
There’s a big difference between no sex drive and not even kissing for months. Have you asked your guy what the problem is? It might narrow down the number of issues possibly at hand.

I used to date a man who took Propecia to stop his premature balding and that killed his libido for a few months. Lots of medications are known to dampen the mood so it’s possible your boyfriend’s prescriptions are gumming up the works. Low libido is also an early warning sign of MS but it could very well be that your dude drinks too much, does too many drugs, has a negative body image or is simply depressed.

Those are all the general, easy-to-swallow reasons why your love life could be flagging.

But there are also rougher possibilities.

Have you considered that he might be getting his kicks elsewhere? He also may be gay and you might be his very fashionable beard. Or perhaps he’s moved on emotionally and physically from the relationship but hasn’t found the words to tell you yet.

The truth is, it could be any number of issues and the only way to diagnose the root of the problem is to have an open, frank conversation with your boyfriend about why the thrill is gone. But you need to be prepared for whatever he may say.

It’s time to ask both yourself and him a very difficult but important question: How can you be in a loving relationship with someone without sex or physical intimacy? Because it sounds to me that what you have on your hands is an amazing friendship, not the man you’re going to marry. And, honestly, would you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who doesn’t relish at the idea of getting you naked or consider it an honor to kiss you good night?

If you want to try to resuscitate your DOA sex life, the next time you and your man are sitting around on the couch, watching Dancing with the Stars or what have you, don’t say a word, just pull down his underoos and see how he responds to a little oral stimulus package. I can’t think of a man on this earth who would balk at such an act. If he does, you know you have some serious talking to do. If he goes with it, maybe he’s just been waiting for you to invite him to let his freak flag fly.

Good luck!

*Feel free to email us with any dating, relationship, love and sex questions you may have for Sasha.

How it Makes Me Feel When He Doesn’t Call After Sex

By Dani Katz

It was purely carnal; we used each other’s bodies to get off and then discovered the chemistry wasn’t there, we didn’t fit quite right, or we loathed each other after we came. He didn’t call. Whew. I’m relieved to not have to deal with a messy tangle of unrequited emotions, or the awkward ensuing dialogue. In those instances, the process of unraveling my own self-judgments, reevaluating my aqueous boundaries and reigning in my historically troublesome lust takes precedence, and I’m happy to have the space to deal with them on my own.

When he doesn’t call, and I was into him, it’s a whole different ballgame: I’m confused, hurt, sad and pissed – as much at myself as at the contracted cowardly boy who hasn’t the courage, the tools or the dignity to deal with me openly and honestly. And then comes despair, where I wallow and wonder if there’s any hope for the entirety of this emotionally retarded humanity, when the man with whom I spent the night naked and entwined can’t, or simply doesn’t, respect me enough to share a next-day conversation about it.

But, that’s an Aquarian indulgence, and a cop-out, so let’s go back to my own feelings. I’m human, I’m excited to connect and to play and to love, and in the space and silence of no communication whatsoever, I’m left to assume the worst – that I’m broken, that I’m unattractive, that he’s dead. It strikes me as one of the most damaging and painful ways to (not) relate – to avoid the other, to run-away and to hide.

And yes, I see the hypocrisy – it’s right there, a couple paragraphs up, where I’d rather not deal with the discomfort of an “I’m not that into you” conversation. No one likes to have those conversations – well, no one who’s not a sadist or a cutter, but still, these are the conversations we must be bold enough to engage, because we are, in this lonesome moment, a sorely disconnected species of intimacy-starved beings, and the only way we’re going to evolve into better lovers is by respecting ourselves and each other enough to communicate what we are feeling, even if what we are feeling is: I’m not attracted to you, and I don’t want to do this again. Because on the other side of that craggy sentence no one has to wonder, no false hopes need linger, and everyone involved is free.

Sasha Speaks 10.18.10

“Dear Sasha
I’ve been dating this girl for the past few months. Things are pretty serious, we’ve slept together and say ‘I love you,’ and it’s all great, except that I used to go out with her friend and that makes things a little tense and weird from time to time.

How can I alleviate the tension?

Sincerely,
“Doug the Double Dipper”

Dear Double Dipper-

I can practically smell the stench of awkwardness from here. It’s thicker than the fog of Dolce Gabbana cologne coming off a GLT-ing guido in Ed Hardy fist pumping his way through a Saturday night on the prowl.

Blech!

First of all, I’m gonna guess that “a little tense and weird” is your guy speak for what most people, especially women, would deem a major s*%tstorm. And I don’t think you packed an umbrella. If you’ve been naked with two women who have to co-exist, the only way to alleviate the tension is to make sure the girl you dated first gets married or starts doinking George Clooney so she won’t have to wallow in the fact that you’ve moved on with someone she knows.

And speaking of, who is this hussy you’re dating?!?!

She violated Girl Rule Numero Uno: You don’t date your friend’s man! That means guys your friends have dated, slept with, made out with, or even crushed on.

Sure, guys have no problem passing a girl along to their friends, but women don’t operate like that.

If I found out one of my girlfriends hooked up with Simon Retner-Warner, who I “went with” for two days before dumping him during third period French class in 7th grade, I’d be pissed. I don’t care if it happened in junior high, I Columbus-ed that ass. I stuck a flag in it and now it’s done.

There are billions of people on this planet; why recycle booty within a friend circle? Even Al Gore can’t get behind that kind of behavior. Besides, how weird is it that now the two of them can sit in a room and say things like, “Don’t you love it when Doug does A, B,C and D?” Girls talk about everything, in vivid, gory detail. The fact that these women can compare notes on your sexual stats doesn’t make them bond, it makes them bitter.

*Feel free to email us with any dating, relationship, love and sex questions you may have.

By Patrick D. Curry

“Could you pass me the keys to the car?” she asks him as she stares directly into his eyes. “But honey, there aren’t any pomegranates on sale,” he responds, as he absentmindedly gazes into the sky.

Although communication between males and females isn’t usually so completely discordant and illogical as the example above, it definitely does have its fair share of shortcomings.

How many numerous conversations do you think go on everyday between two men venting about the frustrations, limitations, gaps, breaches, and pitfalls that they have experienced when dealing and communicating with women, and vice versa- how many of these conversation have you had recently?

From my own personal experiences and circle of friends, I don’t think that I’m getting ahead of myself when I say that this communication problem is perhaps one of the top three topics (along with weather and traffic) most often discussed, argued over, debated, rehashed, and joked about everyday between all human beings on every continent and island.

One particular issue that comes up every now and then is the “she’s into him, but he’s not into her” problem. Every so often, a female friend of mine will describe her frustration with a new guy she likes a guy she had a great initial connection with, but who seems to be more and more elusive and harder to get into contact with as time progresses.

So how does one go about explaining or understanding this issue? How come some guys, for what seems to be no reason whatsoever, can have no qualms about blowing off incredibly attractive women?

Well, as a member of the testosterone infused gender myself (and thus equipped with a masculine mind), I will be the first to admit that my compatriots and I are all very confused individuals – and at times completely irrational beings acting on whims that we ourselves cannot fully explain.

So, one answer to the problem is that men are odd and illogical, which, besides stating the obvious, doesn’t really solve much. But another solution or understanding to this problem that has been brought up is the issue of chemistry and compatibility.

Sometimes a person can be head over heels for someone, and for some reason – and you could call it chemistry – that person just doesn’t feel the same way. As someone who’s been on both sides of the equation, I know from personal experience that it really isn’t fun to be on either side.

The best advice I can give though, is that although it can hurt to fall and its really easy to become jaded, you should keep your head up, because eventually, no matter what, you will find that person (like my beautiful girlfriend) who you will have exploding chemistry with and won’t mind your absurd comments about pomegranates.

priority seat
Source flickr