Book Excerpt – Don’t Use My Sweater Like a Towel

By Jennifer Kelton

Oxytocin is a peptide of nine amino acids that was, until recently, thought only to induce labor, lactation and bonding between a mother and child. Now it is believed to be instrumental in attachment between romantic partners as well. It is secreted by the pituitary gland, stimulating the brain and reproductive glands of both men and women.

Dr. Theresa Crenshaw, in her book The Alchemy of Love and Lust, calls oxytocin “hormonal superglue.” When loved ones come in physical contact from family and friends to romantic partners oxytocin is released, connecting people with every caress or cuddle. As the initial lust-inducing chemicals wear off, oxytocin keeps us together.

Phenylethylamine is a neurotransmitter and naturally occurring amphetamine that stimulates increasing feelings of excitement.“This violent emotional disturbance that we call infatuation (or attraction) may begin with a small molecule called phenylethylamine, or PEA. Known as the excitant amine, PEA is a substance in the brain that causes feelings of elation, exhilaration, and euphoria.” PEA transports via neurons through all sectors of the brain giving the sensation of overwhelming joy.

Pheromones are naturally occurring chemicals believed to be produced by the apocrine glands and transmitted by scent between animals of the same species, including humans. This allows a subliminal communication of bonding and attraction.

Serotonin is another neurotransmitter that affects mood and attraction, but this one behaves a little differently. High levels of serotonin are associated with happy feelings, while low levels are believed to cause depression, affecting appetite and sex drive. Dr. Fisher explains, “As well as high [levels of] dopamine and norepinephrine, romantic love is characterized by low serotonin. Low serotonin would explain the obsessive thinking attached to romantic love.”

Vasopressin is the male counterpart to oxytocin, produced by the brain as well as male and female sex organs. Both chemicals are released during sexual stimulation and are believed to trigger feelings of comfort and trust. “At orgasm, vasopressin levels dramatically increase in men, oxytocin levels rise in women.”

Stages of Love Along with a team of top scientists, Dr. Fisher has done vast amounts of research on love and human chemistry. By performing MRI brain scans on people who are deeply in love, she and her colleagues established that when you fall in love, certain parts of the brain are flooded with blood, proving that passion is hardwired into our brains by millions of years of evolution.

Modern human romance can feel like a rollercoaster ride. When in love, feelings triggered by these chemicals “have the ability to override the part of your brain that governs rational thought,” Fisher explains. It is entirely chemical, and often acts like addiction.“Virtually all drugs of abuse affect a single pathway in the brain…activated by dopamine. Romantic love stimulates the same pathway with the same chemical.” Therefore, when our bodies and brains go for that ride, we want to go again and again.

The first stage of love is lust, according to Dr. Fisher, which is marked by high levels of testosterone and estrogen in both sexes. “Lust evolved to get you out looking for anything.” Our bodies’ natural drives to mate and procreate send us out on the prowl.

To be continued.

Book Excerpt – Don’t Use My Sweater Like a Towel

By Jennifer Kelton

My close encounter with Gayle King is an in-flight tale.

Four years ago, I wrote a book on dating and mating titled: Don’t Use My Sweater Like a Towel.

Despite the blunt title, the book is ultimately a non-fiction story about: life, love, human nature and, most important, respect. The man who inspired the rather raunchy title died tragically and in an untimely manner just as the book was being about to be published.

Ironically, he died as a result of not respecting himself. His death was beyond sad.
To this very day it’s a life changer for me.

A few days ago, after a business trip to New York, I was flying out of JFK to LAX (Los Angeles). The weather was bad on both ends and I was not looking forward to the potential for a five and a half hour, very bumpy flight.

That being said, I made it a point to have a cocktail or two before boarding the flight, in the hopes that the alcohol would ease my bumpy traveler nerves.

Being loyal to an airline has it’s perks — I pre- boarded the now delayed United flight and walked down the ramp and into the currently empty plane cabin. I was greeted by the cheery smiles and greetings of the flight crew. Everything seemed so normal.

This brings me to Gayle King. Yes, THE Gayle King: Oprah’s best friend, sidekick, and editor-at-large for O, The Oprah Magazine.

I walked into the now quiet plane, Ms. King said a welcoming, warm and super friendly “hello” while looking at me directly in the eyes. It was as if we were old buddies.

For the record, while I would love to say that I drive up to Oprah’s opulent and sprawling Santa Barbra ranch, to drink expensive wines and top-shelf tequila (I hear Oprah likes tequila!) while having butterfly-filled girlie giggles with her and Gayle King–I don’t.

I am now having this running fantasy in my over active brain (as I’m looking her into the eyes). I imagine that I’m sitting on the Oprah show’s couch, passionately promoting my latest project and vision to save the world and humanity. Yes, this is all happening in that flash of a moment while I am boarding the plane, in the power of Gayle King’s presence and gazing into her eyes. I said “hello” back and continued to my seat.

I was located approximately five rows back in Business Class, where I could actually see the back of Ms. King’s head. After pre-take off champagne, I began to consider creative ways I could give her my business card. She did say “hello” to me. Maybe she really thought that we had met before? Maybe I could bump into her while going to the bathroom?

I ultimately realized that I would do nothing. I believe in respect and personal space. This belief is one of the keys to any kind of relationship.

Ironically, the man who was sitting next to made me feel as if I was on an extremely bad date. He was in my personal space for the entire five and a half hour flight.

I also watched him, eat with his mouth open, slurp his drinks, pick his nose and flick his boogers. Mr. Booger Flicker made me wonder if he was married? Does he get laid? Does he flick his boogers at home? Does this booger flicking also occur at the office?

You know, when it comes right down to it, respecting personal space and not being a Mr. Booger Flicker whether on a plane in business class, dating, married, or in any type of relationship is all about not being a “Space Invader”.

Perhaps I missed my Gayle King moment. But what’s even more important is that I respected her personal space.

This post is dedicated to the memory of R.C. (1965-2006).

Contest runs from now September 1st, 2010 through November 1st, 2010.

BadOnlineDates.com Launches an iPhone App, Giving Online Daters the Virtual Wingman They Need.

(I-Newswire) May 12, 2010 – Los Angeles, CA – May 12th 2010.

BadOnlineDates.com introduces the BadOnlinedates iPhone App; your virtual wingman. And yes. There is an App for that!

Even been on date that was so tragic, so awkward, and so criminally awful that you wish you had a wingman to help get you through it, to laugh about it with in real time? Well now, at BadOnlineDates – there’s an app for that!

The BadOnlineDates iPhone app has got your back because they understand there are some moments that are so special – you need to share them in real time with someone who’s in the online dating trenches with you.

BadOnlineDates.com is a fresh and innovative social networking site that combines the best of social networking with online dating. The site gives an ever-growing, ever-frustrated community an opportunity to connect, vent, tell the truth and ultimately laugh about their online dating misadventures and mishaps.

CEO and Founder of BadOnlineDates.com, Jennifer Kelton, understands that anybody who has ever delved into the world of online dating (and at this point, who hasn’t?) knows that the dating pool can get a bit murky. “While other online dating sites tell you it’s okay to look – at BadOnlineDates.com we’re changing the game and letting you know “IT’S OKAY TO LAUGH!”

With the introduction of BadOnlinedates.com’s latest tool, the iPhone App, online daters have a chance to tell their story in real time and interact with other members as well as get immediate advice and comic relief. iPhone users can post their bad date experience as it’s happening from their phone so they’re never alone. Now, when daters find themselves at coffee with the ‘freaky fetish guy’ or having cocktails with a girl they’ve just met who has their wedding tux on hold, they can just push a button and connect with others who understand what they’re going through. This as Kelton states: “is a new kind of virtual dating wingman.” And who doesn’t want an app for that?

Technology

The BadOnlineDate.com’s iPhone application is the site’s companion for taking BadOnlineDate.com on the go is available for free in the Apple Store. This Twitter-like communication tool allows users to engage with their community while mobile, and send out real-time updates from a date – helping users tap their communities when they need it most.

About BadOnlineDates.com

On BadOnlineDates.com, users can post stories, pictures and videos about their real life dating experiences and also comment on others’ experiences. Video, blogs, Chat Rooms, Twitter integration and and the iPhone application will allow users to message others “live in the trenches”, offering the opportunity to laugh with others whether it’s before, after, or during a bizarre date live. The administrative and editorial staff ensures the site is a supportive and interactive place by moderating communications within the community while providing expert commentary and advice for specific stories.

About Jennifer Kelton, The Face Behind BadOnlineDates.com

BadOnlineDates.com was created by Jennifer Kelton, an indelicate and uncensored voice in the dating world. Jennifer built a league of dedicated followers with her biting truths and down-to-earth takes on the modern singles scene. She rose to popularity with her humorously candid book, Don’t Use my Sweater Like a Towel, which chronicled a year of bad dates, missed connections and frankly-described sexcapades. An avid believer in the convergence of technology and online/offline communications, Jennifer created BadOnlineDates.com in the fall of 2007 with her sights on creating a revolutionary new space that would rise above the cliché’s of online dating. By combining a social networking and online dating, BadOnlineDates.com connects people through the good, bad and hilarious of their shared dating experiences. Jennifer created BadOnlineDates to be a cyberspace that is more human, honest and organic; a site to help heal the wounds of anyone who has been rejected by a computer, gone to dinner with their worst nightmare or been bamboozled by the profile-liar. There’s not better to bond or make lasting relationships than laughter. Jennifer believes that when it comes to online dating, not only is it okay to laugh – it’s necessary!

iNewswire

His persistence makes me uncomfortable, but no matter how curt or distant I am, he never goes away. In a strange twist of fate, as I was writing his part of the book, I saw him standing in front of the gym I go to. He had told me he was a member there, but I had never seen him at the club in the past. With a thumping heart and held breath, I put my head in my gym bag and walked right by unnoticed – dodged that bullet. I hope to never see him again.

My evenings with Moldy Shower Curtain Jesus, Mr. Cheats on His Girlfriend Room #104, and Cologne-Reeking Stalker Neighbor Damon really gave me pause. What is going on out here in the dating world?

I said to one of my girlfriends over dinner, “I feel like I’m doing a science project.” It was as if a semi-truck had just run over me and I lived to tell the story. Dating rituals are compelling and incredibly riveting acts of human behavior. In just a matter of days, I’d gone from being in my own world of work and counseling, to debauchery with Room# 104, to revulsion with a Neighbor Damon. Jesus started it all just months before. I was onto something.

I have always been intensely interested in humanity and human behavior. I’ve read many, many books on the subject, and there doesn’t seem to be any really honest information for women, or men, about the dating world. There are few works that address making good decisions, share real-life stories – the kind you would never tell at the family Thanksgiving table, but can touch a place deep within you and resonate.

I live by the words, “as long as you are honest, organized and on time you will be fine,” and I am determined to operate from a place of compassion and honesty. I feel very strongly that by being honest we have the potential to open up new and important dialogue. So from that point on, I made my dating life a “science project” and as with any hypothesis, you sometimes get unexpected results.

End of chapter… More chapters to come.

Just because a man buys you drinks does that entitle him to more?
August and September

One evening a few weeks later, I met a friend for dinner in Hollywood, and it just so happened that Damon’s company was having an event at a nearby club. He called me up and invited me to come, but I declined. “Well, do you think you could give me a ride home?” He went on to explain that his company had picked him up in a limo and he didn’t have his car. I didn’t think it was a big deal – the club was 10 minutes from the restaurant, and we live just a few blocks from one another in Venice, so I agreed. It seemed harmless.

I picked him up from the party, and as we got to the intersection of La Brea and Venice, about halfway home, he realized he left his keys at the club.

“What do you want to do?” I asked. I was frustrated, tired and just wanted to be home.

“I’ll call and have one of the workers from my office drive the van over and bring my keys. I know exactly where they are.”

Exasperated, I pull into the gas station under a lamppost. I was tired and wanted to be home and I was in no mood to be with him. We were there for only a couple of minutes when a police car pulled in. Since I’d been drinking at dinner, I moved the car to another section of the gas station lot. I didn’t want our loitering to draw any undue attention.

He got freaked out and shouted, “Why did you do that?”

“Well I’ve been drinking, the police are sitting right there, and I think its weird that we’re just sitting here in the car at the gas station. I mean it’s LA and crazy stuff goes on here – it looks conspicuous.”

We had a huge argument, which was par for the course. Everything with him was an argument – from buying me drinks to going on a date with him. I’m not an argumentative person, and I found it very manipulative of him. I was spending time with this man I didn’t even like, just to avoid an argument.

He continues to e-mail me and call a few times a month. I do not return his calls and am very short in e-mails with him. I respond once for every five or six emails I receive. A typical exchange goes something like this:

From: notDamonsemail@whatever.com 7:40 PM
Hi…
Damon

From: notDamonsemail@whatever.com 8:44 PM
Hey,
How’s it going?

From: notDamonsemail@whatever.com 8:48 PM
Just working…and you?
Moved to Venice
Damon

From: notDamonsemail@whatever.com 8:57 PM
Wanna meet for a drink at Za Zen?
Damon (phone number)

From: me@me.com 8:59 PM
I will be out of town till May 1.

From: notDamonsemail@whatever.com 9:00 PM
Where u going?
-D

From: notDamonsemail@whatever.com 9:13 PM
Guess not, huh.
-D

To be continued…

BADONLINEDATES.COM EXPANDS THE ONLINE AND SOCIAL DATING EXPERIENCE

Bad Date TV Webisodes, an Organic Supportive Community, User Generated Content, iPhone App, and Human Connections Turns Bad Dates into Good Dates.

LOS ANGELES, Feb. 1 /PRNewswire/ — Ever had a bad date? You’re not alone. Incalculable amounts of people find themselves disappointed by their dating experiences and where do they turn – the Internet. Launching in public beta, BadOnlineDates.com is a vanguard social networking site that combines community and new technology with online dating. On BadOnlineDates.com, people can share their bad date experiences and connect with others that have similar values, turning negative experiences into positive ones. And on the plus side, the organic community content is playful and funny.

With 90 million single adults and 20 million monthly unique visitors to U.S. dating sites it’s clear that searching for some kind of romantic connection is a priority, regardless of socioeconomics, age, gender, sexual orientation and or ethnic backgrounds. However, numerous people may find that the online experience is painful and isolating.

“It’s time for a new and alternative kind of Internet dating, one that the larger mainstream sites are just not addressing,” states Jennifer Kelton, CEO and Founder. “Dating is the natural process of seeking what we’ve all been hardwired for: companionship, love and to feel safe. After 32 years of dating and at 44, I’ve created a unique place where people can share their experiences, good and bad, by using the technology that is intrinsic to their everyday lives.”

Unlike impersonal sites like Match.com, BadOnlineDates.com provides community members with more sophisticated social tools that they already use in their everyday lives: an iPhone application companion that acts as a virtual wingman, online story and photo sharing, community commentary, social applications like Twitter, entertaining online videos, and an intuitive interface. Combined with human editorial, real live expert advice and a vast selection of like-minded potential matches, BadOnlineDates.com turns bad dating experiences into great ones, transforming dating from what is, at times, a painful, frustrating and isolating series of rejections into a positive online social experience more comparable to the interactions on Facebook, Digg, Twitter and Flickr.

Read More Here: prnewswire.com

Just because a man buys you drinks does that entitle him to more?
August and September

In a split second, his hand was up my tight, black Dolce and Gabbana dress right there on the Ritz-Carlton couch. He leaned in and whispered in my ear all the things he wanted to do. I must admit I got a tingle in my nether region; I was still pretty charged from Room #104, although our encounter had been three nights earlier. The next thing I knew Neighbor Damon and I were in the pool area of the Ritz. I had a little Jesus déjà vu moment as he went down on me, then he pulled out his “thing.” It was shockingly large; without even thinking I told him “to put that THING away,” and I was out of there. I had gone beyond filling my perceived obligation.

When I got home that night I started to sneeze uncontrollably. His cologne was stuck on my skin, in my hair, and in my clothing. I showered before I went to bed, put my dress in a Ziploc bag like biohazard material to seal off his smell. First thing in the morning, I determinedly drove to the dry cleaner and handed the bag to Jill for complete decontamination.

Someplace inside Neighbor Damon is the sweet guy I saw that the first time we met, but I was never able to pull back enough layers to find it. He did a great job of putting on a macho, womanizing act to keep me from seeing his true core. The Sunday after our date, he called first thing in the morning, interrupting my weekly ritual of doing the bills, practicing yoga and getting ready for the new week.

“Hi Jennifer, it’s Damon. Why don’t you come over and sit on my face?” I wanted to heave.

“No. I don’t think so,” was my shocked reply.

“Well, do you want to go to Manhattan Beach this afternoon? There is a food festival, and it should be really cool.”

“No. I have yoga.”

“How about we meet later for dinner, then?”

“No. I like to take a sauna after yoga class and have a relaxing night alone.” Sunday is my day, and I was not about to change my routine for him.

He called me about five times the next day and sent numerous e-mails; this was abnormal behavior. I let him know that his actions made me uncomfortable and I didn’t want to see him again. That has yet to stop him from contacting me.

To be continued…

Just because a man buys you drinks does that entitle him to more?
August and September

I was still not able to remember his name when we said goodbye, but I didn’t care any more. He was a liar, and not someone I would want in my world. I only saw him one more time — in the pages of a paintball magazine. Four months later, I was at a Barnes and Noble bookstore, looking at dating books for research, and I saw the one and only paintball magazine in the periodicals section. I thumbed through the pages and there was Room #104! Well, I’m pretty sure it was him. The man in the photo wore a helmet with a face guard, but a bit of his red hair was visible, and I’d recognize that body anywhere. At least I knew he didn’t lie about that. Along with the dating books and an Italian Vogue, I bought the paintball magazine – the clerk gave me a quizzical look. I now keep it with my research for the book; it’s my souvenir of the day I became a social scientist.

The day I said goodbye to Room #104, I returned home to find my e-mail inbox and cell phone filled with messages from Neighbor Damon. I was unsure if it was best to call him or ignore him, but he did seem like a nice guy. He just lacked girl-skills and was, obviously, eager. I called him back and agreed to go on a date with him that weekend. Thinking back, I tried to get out of our initial date, but he was very insistent. I gave him brownie points for his willingness to fight to have a date with me.

We went to Mr. Chow, one of my favorite restaurants in Los Angeles. He seemed like a kind man; under his gruff exterior is a man looking for love and companionship – aren’t we all. Although he wore way too much cologne and was a little rough around the edges, we had a few thins in common. We talked about his job at the record label and my own connections within the music industry.

Things were going fine until he asked me to feed him. What? Is he kidding? I thought. He wanted me to feed him pieces of the green shrimp, just like a romantic couple in a movie. It was a very awkward moment, and definitely not romantic. I really just wanted the date to be over, but he’d been so generous, I felt it would be rude to cut things short.

After dinner, he talked me into a nightcap at the Ritz-Carlton. We sat on the big couch in the bar area where I sipped hot tea and he a mixed drink. I was wearing a very tight dress, and I consider panty lines to be a big fashion don’t. Even the Hollywood standard, Cosabella, would be visible. As we are sitting on the couch, he slid his hand across my hip and commented, “You’re not wearing underwear.” I nodded confirmation of his suspicion. If the general public knew just how many women “go commando,” no one would be shocked by my confession.

To be continued…

Last night when I was out I had could have ended up in bed with a very handsome stranger who bought me drinks…
(I did not!) But when I got home I thought it would be a good time to post this chapter from my book…
Enjoy Part 1.

Just because a man buys you drinks does that entitle him to more?
August and September

Feeling like I had sewn my wild oats, meeting men took a back seat to rest of my life.  I was feeling disenchanted with the male of the species; and, still processing the break up with Jason, I was spent and needed a break.  I threw myself into my work as a sales rep for my friend’s hemp/eco-friendly clothing company, and made an effort to be even more present and serious in my yoga practice and my volunteer commitments.

At the time, I was volunteering with an organization that provides grief counseling, I was working with teenagers who had lost their parents.  It was very heavy stuff and, coupled with the commute to the valley (on the 405 freeway, of course) during rush hour, I was exhausted.  I have worked over 20 years with homeless and runaway youth in the shelters, squats and out on the streets.  Working with youth that have lost parents was equally difficult, but, ultimately, rewarding, and really helped put things in perspective.  All my problems aside, I am blessed with an amazing life.  My mom and dad are very much alive, and still together after 48 years of marriage.  They were high school sweethearts, and are still happy and very much in love.  What a great example to have in my life — seeing what they have, I know I do not have to settle for less.

Twice a month, the grief counselors got together for “supervision” to talk about our clients, and what was happening with us personally and in our group sessions.  As counselors, that time was extremely beneficial and reassuring.   On my way home one night after supervision, I went to Baja Cantina, a Mexican restaurant and a local-hang out spot  — a true fixture in the neighborhood, and, at times, a major meat market.  It was a Tuesday evening in September, so I figured it would be quiet and mellow.  I was in no mood for the meat market scene, but I left it to fate; if there were a parking spot out front, I would take it as a sign.

My plan was to have dinner, one drink, and, since it is just around the corner from my house, go straight home.  It was the end of a long day, and I was feeling somewhat drained from supervision.  As I drove up Washington Blvd., there was a spot right in front — I guess fate intervened.  With the new issue of Rolling Stone magazine in hand, I took a seat on one of the two open bar stools at the bar, ordered a salad and a 1800 Cuervo tequila neat — the bartender knows me and gives me a double.  My only intention was to read the magazine and call it an early night.  The very last thing on my mind was meeting men. Famous last words!

Sitting there with my Caesar salad, tequila and Rolling Stone magazine, a very attractive man, about 30 years old, started talking to me.  Athletic and toned, in Levis and a t-shirt with a company logo, he had big brown eyes and a red crew cut.  I had never heard of company on his shirt, so I asked him about it.

He was a professional paintball player, and the company on the shirt was one of his sponsors.  I had no idea people made a living playing paintball!  Actually, I thought the paintball trend went out in the 90s.  Mr. Paintball was in L.A. on business from Philadelphia, taking meetings for a paintball video game he was creating.  Intriguing!  We exchange names, but for the life of me I can’t remember his.

To be continued…