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Dear Disaster,
What advice do you have for a non serial killer, relatively clean, disease free, attractive and bored guy to meet women worthy of me?
Yours,
FreeWheelin’

Dear Napoleon,
I think you pose a very challenging question. How do you meet someone that is actually worthy of you? This would be so much easier if we were on Dancing with the Stars. We could just let Bruno get rid of the ones who are not telegenic or who dance like robots. But alas, in reality we’re left alone with the hunt. If you really want to land a special non-serial killer lady, here are a couple of ideas:

1. Stand out from the pack. Avoid the black fleece mafia. Once you join, you surrender your personal identity completely. When you approach a woman in a bar, she won’t know if she was just flirting with you, or your friend. All black fleece people look the same.

2. Hang out in places that normies like to frequent. I’d say banks, but I’ve tried this, and eventually security starts asking questions. That said, grocery stores on Sunday nights are fantastic. First of all, since you’re meeting a woman at the the grocery store she probably eats food — congratulations! You already share so much in common. And second, this probably means she cooks. Which means she’s well-off enough to have a kitchen! Score.

3. Chivalry is not dead. I know this because he lives in my building . He holds the elevator door for me and sometimes, he helps me bring out the trash. Do this. And when you go out next time, don’t order a woman a drink. Bor-ing. Send her over dessert. Unlike booze, chocolate is an aphrodisiac that she’ll actually remember. And more importantly, you’ve just told her that you think she’s skinny enough to enjoy dessert. You’re in.

Good luck with the hunt.

Yours,
 Disaster

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By Jennifer Kelton

It’s estimated about 60 percent of men and 40 percent of women will have an affair at some point in their marriage. Womensavers.com (Hello, Ashleymadison.com)

While it’s extremely difficult to get the precise numbers, I can say that unfortunately, unknowingly, and very much to my Brazilian waxed vaginal dismay I became part of 2009’s infidelity statistic. This unequivocally and absolutely goes against every grain of my moral, cellular and ethical being. And now my poor unsuspecting adulterous vagina — I just found out about this sexual and dishonorable tidbit of information last night over a Guinness beer at one of my favorite local Irish pubs.

I don’t remember the exact day, but what I do remember is that it was one of those typical warm California Summer nights — I recall feeling salty, sandy, and tanned from spending the afternoon at the beach, despite having taken a shower before heading out for food and cocktails. I was wearing black short shorts, brown equestrian style boots, and a vintage western blouse as I breezily went for sushi happy hour at an extremely trendy Venice Beach hot spot.

Once there, I ended up bumping into a local guy/friend that I once casually dated and his other friends at the bar. The guy I used to date had one friend who just so happened to be tall, dark and devilishly handsome. I was attracted to him immediately and the more he flirted with me the more charming and engaging he became.

The possibility of romance going further than the bar was absolutely the gigantic cartoonish caption bubble hovering over my captivated swooning head – A devilishly handsome flirty guy along with his tempting wooing ways was just too impossible to be true. However, he was I’d like to blank your brains out too hot to ignore.

As we all finished up at the bar, devilishly handsome guy invited me back to his swanky shoreline Santa Monica hotel for cocktails and while at the hotel’s bar the flirting became more sexual, but I was not objecting — perhaps he is “the one”?

Our heated exchange went on for about an hour and then he authoritatively asked for and paid our tab while simultaneously asking me if I wanted to go to his room. I’m not naive and figured that once getting there, I would go only as far as I wanted (sex wise). Immediately, when we got into the room he ordered a really good bottle of wine and it did not take long before we were on the bed kissing, clothes off, and having sex.

One thing that really pops out in my mind (no pun intended) was his forcefulness as he pushed my head to his “head” which in retrospect now seems to be overtly selfish behavior on his behalf. And what I now know became to be a one night stand with a married man.

He got up quickly right after he came and went to take a shower, as I laid there for a fast minute I knew I had to leave — something was not right. As I put my clothes back on, I wondered if I should leave my business card or my number on the hotel notepad. I opted not to and left quickly while he was still in the shower. I could see the steam drifting out from the slight crack in the pristine five-star hotel door….

To be continued.

By Jennifer Kelton

Since I’m on the subject of the good old days…

Penis…

I have to admit, other than being flashed online via Skype, it’s been about five months since I’ve seen one in the flesh.

It was back in December of 2009 and I met him at an English pub that’s close to my house and after too many glasses of cheap happy hour white wine we ended up in a women’s bathroom stall kissing like sweaty teenagers. Actually, I later found out he was pretty young (only 28) and while he was/is a super sweet guy in the end he’s just too young (I’m 44).

Even with as much fun as we had dating casually, at some point past his make-out skills, we just fizzled mostly because of the age difference between us.

The last time I saw him I remember him moving in for a good night kiss which left me just feeling like “mommy” (not a turn on) and 28-year-old guy went home minus a kiss goodnight and I no longer felt like “mommy”.

Fast forward to this morning when I was reading an article about how chimpanzees mourn their dead, which happens to be extremely similar to us. They also have 96% of the same genes. nationalgeographic.com

So what does this have to do with Part Two of the last Sex, Skype and Technology post?

A lot, since it also has to do with human behavior — as much as we try to escape the base of our DNA, it’s just impossible!

Did you know that male chimpanzees do most of the hunting for meat in joint groups of 1-35?

The kill is shared with their friends and allies and is also a way to gain sex.

Sex is what so much of life is based around. Really lets be real here, so much of life comes
back to sex.

Just take a look at sex in advertising. I’m not sure of the exact stats but my guess is at least 90% of it is geared towards selling you a product that will “help” you entice and attract the opposite sex. This is something that dates back to the 1800’s in ads for saloons, tonics, and tobacco…

Let’s face it sex sells.

This morning after my morning run, which is not only for my sanity but also for the fight against gravity on my body, and not just for me but because I want to be in shape and minus any muffin tops for that make-out session with the next penis I encounter.

I digress; also this morning I saw the latest TV commercial with Holly, aka Bad Date Betty who is one of the stars of Bad Date TV, for Wienerschnitzel.

200 years later sex still sells, but you know what? I still don’t want to see penises on Skype.

Wienerschnitzel “79 cent corn dog”

By Jennifer Kelton

As I write this, the Internet is approximately only 27 years, 2 months, 2 weeks, 2 days, 12 hours, and 31 minutes old.

That’s younger than some of the guys I’ve dated.

However the human race goes back hundreds of thousands of years. So, I suppose certain aspects of the male mind and penis along with the convergence of technology should not shock me that much, or at all.

Just think, as humans we would have never evolved if the male had not ventured out to spread his testosterone, furry and sex fueled seed…

Bottom line — It’s how we are hardwired. But does hardwiring mean flashing your penis all over the Internet?

Which brings me to the fact that every time I use Skype I’m flashed numerous times.

While all the penis pictures are “perfect penises” — I have to admit that if any of them where in my bedroom I would not have kicked it out based on the size, shape, etc.

However, who is behind that penis? And by the way I find it really interesting that they are all perfect penises. Really, what are the odds?

Back in the 90’s aka the Stone Age when my newest boyfriend and I were back in the cave eating his most recent dinosaur kill after dragging me around by my long hair and having hot unbridled sex. NOT!

OK, back to reality. In the 90’s I was a member of Great Expectations a way to meet other singles. Before Internet dating, you actually had to have a “real” picture in a hard book and drive (yes, I said drive) to the location and look through books (yes, I said book and not a kindle or an iPad). I never saw a penis picture there.

I also remember dating through the L.A. Weekly where much of the connection was with snail mail (no naked pictures were sent) and a hard line phone (there was no camera). And if you were getting really crazy there were chat boards that you could access via dial-up and with a special number that you could get out of the Recycler Newspaper (and you had to buy the newspaper).

I met a good number of men in all of these places and never once did I see an unsolicited penis.

At times I miss the good old days…

To be continued.