By Alison Agosti

I’ve always wondered why women are labeled as the more vain of the sexes. Men have just as many vices: sports cars, leather jackets and hair plugs are somehow always overlooked. One of these male-centric vanity trends is the guy who wears sunglasses indoors. Ah, yes. The guy who is desperate to appear cool and unable to shake the obvious, frantic image he is actually presenting.

This isn’t so much a fashion statement as it is a personality type. The kind of guy that does the unnecessary sunglasses thing, either indoors or at night, isn’t so much telling the world about his love of shades; he’s explicitly saying that he wants to be seen and acknowledged without returning the favor. That exaggerated cockiness is so unattractive to me, and I think most women would agree.

It almost doesn’t matter the style of shades. Once they are on indoors, it’s immediately tacky. That club look is so not for me. But a personal pet peeve has always been the see-through sunglasses, where you can still make out most of the person’s eyes. It feels so J-Lo circa 1998 or worse; a middle-aged, mustachioed motorcycle cop.

Guys, unless you are Jack Nicholson, this is not a look you’re going to pull off. And there are really only a few exceptions to this rule: if you have a black eye or pink eye (gross), or you are hungover or if you have a migraine. Even then, you should be apologetic about it. Something like this: “Oh these? I’m so sorry! If I take them off my eyes will literally fall out of my head. It has nothing to do with my fear of human interaction, I swear! Please, tell me about your day while I listen to you intently.”

Because that’s what it is right? Covering your eyes when you’re not protecting yourself from the glare of the sun, is either to hide the fact that you are disinterested in your surroundings or to project the image of someone that is. I have no time for either. Luckily, I have never had to deal with this personally. I have a pretty good gauge for jerks, and wearing unnecessary sunglasses is jerk behavior.

My initial response is to say that indoor shades is an immediate dating deal breaker. But, in the spirit of Moldable May, let’s give the Risky Business character a chance to redeem himself. If this happens in the context of an early date, maybe the guy is just nervous and wants to project an image of confidence. Communication is always key. Try saying something like, “I’m trying to connect with you and it’s kind of tough through the glasses.” Honestly, if that doesn’t get them off, they may be permanently attached. Consequently, if you’re dealing with this behavior in a longer-term relationship, I give you full permission to just smack them off of his head.