26 Apr 11

Sasha Speaks: Answering Your Most Private Dating Questions — My Sexual Appetite?

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Dear Sasha,
I think that I’m a sex addict. I don’t seem to be able to stay loyal in a relationship. Every woman I have ever dated I have cheated on multiple times, and I constantly think about sex. The woman I’m currently dating could be someone that I would like to build a life together, however I have already cheated and I’m afraid that I’ll do it again.

Sincerely,
Perplexed by my sexual appetite

Dear Perplexed-
This is a tough one for me. Constantly thinking about sex and wanting to act on your urges just means you’re a man, but the wandering eye is troubling. To be totally candid, I have never been faithful in a relationship either and it’s something that really worries me. I can’t speak to the nature of your desire, but I can tell you that for me, the reason I cheated was two-fold:

First, I was young and stupid, not thinking about how hurt my boyfriends would have been if they discovered I was stepping out on them. Second, I wasn’t getting what I really wanted in my relationships—be it love, affection, support, intellectual stimulation—so I sought it elsewhere.

As I’ve gotten older, I realized just how destructive my behavior was and it scared the hell out of me. I haven’t been in a serious relationship in several years and sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever be able to be with just one man. I want to believe yes, but you never know until the moment arises. That doesn’t make me a sex addict, it just makes me human. In recent years, the question of the viability of monogamy has been roundly raised and, for the first time, people started to admit that perhaps it wasn’t the most natural urge to follow.

Here’s what I’ve come to believe; being with one person isn’t natural, it’s a choice, a really difficult, demanding choice that you have to make every minute of every day, the same way an alcoholic takes it one day at a time.

You might not be ready for monogamy and, if that’s the case, you have to be honest with yourself and your girlfriend. Having already cheated on her, the sad truth is your relationship is doomed. Once you tell her, she won’t be able to trust you, and if you don’t tell her, she shouldn’t anyway.

Give yourself some time and some space to be single and decide if being in a committed relationship is right for you and, if it is, that you’re prepared to be in it 100%.

-Sasha

*Feel free to email us with any dating, relationship, love and sex questions you may have for Sasha.

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About Jennifer Kelton

Jennifer KeltonI did not wake up one morning and say “hey I think I’d like a man use my sweater like a towel, write a candid dating book, become a dating expert, the CEO and founder of a social dating site and have three blogs.”

All of this has happened in a slow burn and here I am. The good, the bad, the mistakes, way too many tears shed to count, lots of wine and oh my goodness a huge learning curve that leaves me much of the time saying, “I’m sorry but this is all new to me.”
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