26 Feb 11

Saturday’s Memoirs: Adventures in Bad Online Dates — A Horse Tale

Posted by

By JocelynWentland, Sex Researcher

A few years ago, my boyfriend surprised me with an afternoon date of
horseback riding. I had convinced myself that we were going on a hot air balloon ride while en route so I was really surprised when we drove into horse stables. I’m no equestrian master (mistress?) or anything, but I’ve ridden a horse or two in my day (no pun) so I wasn’t too worried about this little guided trail ride.

But apparently I should have been because this was one of the first days of spring, which meant very muddy trails and horses that had not been out on these trails yet this season.

Our horse and rider group sets out. The horses are skittish and not interested in listening to us equestrian novices. One of the trail guides gets off her horse and walks it back to the stables because she can’t get the horse under control. Hindsight tells me that not only was this an omen, but clearly I should have also pulled the shoot.

Finally after a somewhat tense ride, we start heading back to the stable, but first we have to come down a (muddy) trail which opens up into a large field. The remaining trail guide informs us to keep our horses under control because the horses love to take off running into this open field. Great.

We start heading down the trail and I can feel my horse getting antsy. I’m trying to hold him/her back but I quickly realize this is futile. This horse wants to run and I am his/her dark passenger. So we take off down the hill.

We’re not at a full gallop, but only because my horse first has to pass all the other horse and riders on this slippery narrow trail before he/she really lights it up in the open field. Perfect. My only thought: get your feet out of the stirrups so this horse doesn’t trample your head once you are flung off.

What do I do? Well obviously I remove my feet from the stirrups and prepare to evacuate. The horse is picking up speed and just as we get really close to the field, I tuck and roll off the horse. Except I don’t quite tuck and roll properly and land squarely on my shoulder/arm and my head hammers against the ground (thank goodness for muddy/soft grass) as my feet fly up over my head.

I guess this is why you sign waivers at these places.

Later that night, I develop a migraine and spend the evening barfing while at his Grandmother’s house for dinner. Awesome. I spend the next 3 days high as a kite on painkillers for my shoulder and neck.

Moral of the story: pick a better stallion before you go for a ride.

  • What do you think?

About Jennifer Kelton

Jennifer KeltonI did not wake up one morning and say “hey I think I’d like a man use my sweater like a towel, write a candid dating book, become a dating expert, the CEO and founder of a social dating site and have three blogs.”

All of this has happened in a slow burn and here I am. The good, the bad, the mistakes, way too many tears shed to count, lots of wine and oh my goodness a huge learning curve that leaves me much of the time saying, “I’m sorry but this is all new to me.”

In need of a
cyber fortune?

Follow us on Twitter and Tweet #BODFortune to receive a personal DM message of hope, joy and wisdom.

  • BOD Dating App — Alpha Launch 10/15/15

    Mobile dating is about to be changed forever. Are you ready to be a part of the revolution? Coming soon: BadOnlineDates.com will transform the dating space as we know it with the brand new BOD app that redesigns the concept of dating. You know that tingling sensation you feel when you discover an amazing new […]

  • Dress for the Date Announces #DressMonday

    #DressMonday I don’t know about you but I wake up on Monday and know that I’ll be at my desk putting out fires and then at some point having to put my “man pants on and be the “CEO”. Many of us work in masculine industries or the gender-neutral tech space, where it’s easy to […]

  • Shit Cougars Say – Part 2 (Aka Single Older Women)

    Related posts: Bad Date TV: Bad Date Ben – Honestly Ben (What A Douchebag!) Bad Date TV Starring Bad Date Ben – Mom I’d Like to Blank! Bad Date TV: Bad Date Betty and the Blinged Out Bear Bad Date TV: Bad Date Ben – Dating While Pregnant Bad Date TV: Bad Date Betty – […]

  • BADONLINEDATES.COM CELEBRATES It’s Sixth Year Online and Dress for the Date

    Founder/CEO Jennifer Kelton Looks Back on 6 Years of Success With BadOnlineDates.com While Looking Ahead to Her Latest Venture, DressForTheDate.com LOS ANGELES, CA (October 2, 2013) – The website that pioneered the social sharing of bad dating experiences and advice, BadOnlineDates.com, celebrates it’s 6th year anniversary on October 18, 2013. Jennifer Kelton founded the site […]

  • Dress for the Date Interview With Ryan Seacrest (Kiss FM 102.7)

    Listen Here 102.7 KissFM On Air With Ryan Seacrest Related posts: [Press Release] Nationally Recognized Date Stylist Offers Free Service for One Lucky Candidate DressfortheDate.com Offers Fashion Advice for Dating Success Announcing Dress for the Date’s ‘Dress to Impress’ Giveaway