23 Jan 11

Sunday Bad Date Funnies: Book Excerpt – How not to Date

Posted by

Sunday Bad Date Funnies and How not to Date book, and book excerpt By Judy Mcguire

During my ten-year tenure as a sex and love advice columnist for the Seattle Weekly and other places, I’ve either experienced first-hand or answered letters about dates so heinous that it’s truly a wonder my vagina didn’t just seal itself shut.

For a while it actually seemed as though I could be dropped into a room packed with perfectly sane men with jobs and I would gravitate towards the guy hiding under the buffet table. . . the unemployed know-it-all with the chronic halitosis and a highly unsavory yen for his little sister. (In his defense, she was a half sister.)

So while other so-called “sexperts” might have high-falutin’ degrees to prove they’re qualified for the job, I have something more valuable—something hard-won and not necessarily pleasant. What I’m talking about is experience.

What NOT to Talk About!

The fine art of conversation is one that many attempt, but few master. One little book isn’t going to turn a rambling bore into a sparkling chatterbox, but I can help you avoid a few topics that are well-documented date-doomers:

• Marriage—past marriages, friends’ marriages, future marriages; it doesn’t matter. Unless you want to either scare the crap out of, or, alternately, start building false hopes, the topic of weddings and what comes after should be avoided at all costs for at least the first 213 dates.

• Procreation—if you have one at home and need to tell the person you’re out with about it (which is only fair), go for it. Otherwise, for the same reasons noted above, it’s best to avoid baby talk.

• Exes—if he/she/it was such an unrepentant jackass, what does that make you for dating him/her/it?

• Bad Habits—let your new special friend get to know you a little before confessing your fondness for illicit substances and tranny hookers.

• Pre-Nups—now why on earth would anyone bring up their position on pre-nups (pro, naturally) on a second date? I never did find out, because I refused to go out on a third.

• Icky medical conditions—ideally, you want your paramour to picture you naked, not covered in weeping sores.

• Sexual fantasies—Unless your date has segued smoothly into naked and sweaty, there’s no reason to share your predilection for light bondage and anal beads. That’s definitely third date material.

What Not to Say (Specifically!)

There are plenty of websites and books dedicated to supplying you, the reader, with pick-up lines guaranteed to get you laid. These are some of the somewhat less successful lines I’ve collected from various sources:

• “Let’s make CUDDLEBUNNIES!!!”

• “Dolly Parton’s ‘Jolene’ was probably written about a woman just like you.”

• “Your breasts are the reason I asked you out—well, that and you seem like you’ll be dirty in bed.”

• “Let me just put it in—I promise not to move it.”

• “You remind me of my mom/dad/brother/sister.”

• “Would it be rude of me to come over and bury my face in your cleavage right now?”
[Answer: If you have to ask, the answer is yes.]

• “I am like a girl so you have to drive me home.”

• “You are a little soft . . . you do not work out?”

• “Damn baby, you fine! I don’t like dem skinny girls!”

• “I can’t figure out if you’re thick, or if you’re fat. Thick or fat . . . I just don’t know!”

• “Can I get your sister’s number?”

  • What do you think?

About Jennifer Kelton

Jennifer KeltonI did not wake up one morning and say “hey I think I’d like a man use my sweater like a towel, write a candid dating book, become a dating expert, the CEO and founder of a social dating site and have three blogs.”

All of this has happened in a slow burn and here I am. The good, the bad, the mistakes, way too many tears shed to count, lots of wine and oh my goodness a huge learning curve that leaves me much of the time saying, “I’m sorry but this is all new to me.”

In need of a
cyber fortune?

Follow us on Twitter and Tweet #BODFortune to receive a personal DM message of hope, joy and wisdom.

  • BOD Dating App — Alpha Launch 10/15/15

    Mobile dating is about to be changed forever. Are you ready to be a part of the revolution? Coming soon: BadOnlineDates.com will transform the dating space as we know it with the brand new BOD app that redesigns the concept of dating. You know that tingling sensation you feel when you discover an amazing new […]

  • Dress for the Date Announces #DressMonday

    #DressMonday I don’t know about you but I wake up on Monday and know that I’ll be at my desk putting out fires and then at some point having to put my “man pants on and be the “CEO”. Many of us work in masculine industries or the gender-neutral tech space, where it’s easy to […]

  • Shit Cougars Say – Part 2 (Aka Single Older Women)

    Related posts: Bad Date TV: Bad Date Ben – Honestly Ben (What A Douchebag!) Bad Date TV Starring Bad Date Ben – Mom I’d Like to Blank! Bad Date TV: Bad Date Betty and the Blinged Out Bear Bad Date TV: Bad Date Ben – Dating While Pregnant Bad Date TV: Bad Date Betty – […]

  • BADONLINEDATES.COM CELEBRATES It’s Sixth Year Online and Dress for the Date

    Founder/CEO Jennifer Kelton Looks Back on 6 Years of Success With BadOnlineDates.com While Looking Ahead to Her Latest Venture, DressForTheDate.com LOS ANGELES, CA (October 2, 2013) – The website that pioneered the social sharing of bad dating experiences and advice, BadOnlineDates.com, celebrates it’s 6th year anniversary on October 18, 2013. Jennifer Kelton founded the site […]

  • Dress for the Date Interview With Ryan Seacrest (Kiss FM 102.7)

    Listen Here 102.7 KissFM On Air With Ryan Seacrest Related posts: [Press Release] Nationally Recognized Date Stylist Offers Free Service for One Lucky Candidate DressfortheDate.com Offers Fashion Advice for Dating Success Announcing Dress for the Date’s ‘Dress to Impress’ Giveaway