22 Jan 11

Saturday’s Memoirs: Adventures in Bad Online Dates — Dating in NYC: WTF?

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By Cougel

I’ve had this conversation a lot lately, so I thought I’d commit it to paper (er, the web).

What is wrong with the dating scene in New York? Is it me, or is true that (I quote friends),“Men in NY are retarded, or at best, weird?” I know men complain about the same thing in regards to women, and I’m convinced there is truth to that too. Is it the climate of this city, or is it the kinds of people it attracts? Do we all share a common restlessness or fantasy that something “better” is just around the corner, preventing us from committing to one person? Or does it have nothing to do with us. Is there just something in the tap water? (Maybe I should be ordering sparkling.)

The upside is that because it’s so difficult to meet available, age appropriate men that aren’t d-bags (and women that aren’t bat shit) a lot of New Yorkers go online to find a mate. So I thought I’d try that too. There’s a fairly new dating site that I heard was cool, free, with more “creative types” (which sometimes translates into narcissistic and poor). Here are some examples of profiles I’ve come across on said site:

1. “I am a very together kind of guy. I am very passionate yet controlled. I have a good head on my shoulders and in my pants.”

2. “In the course of doing psych testing with a 10 year old boy I was told I had ‘gay hands.’”

3. “I’m really funny. I’m a comedy writer. It might not show in what I’m writing here but trust me.”

4. “I’m living paycheck to paycheck…except without the paycheck. I care for my elderly cat, who has many health issues. He is my soul mate.”

5. “If you’ve read this far, I think it’s okay to say I’m on this site for sex. I’m very fit. I’m not interested in a relationship. I don’t want kids. I don’t like dogs.”

6. “I’m educated and cultured, fun and funny, and have my fecal matter together for the most part.”

So many options! How is a girl to choose?

My friend met a guy on Match. His profile specified “straight” but we all suspected otherwise. After more than five dates, where he expressed serious interest in her and had another date on the books, he disappeared. My friend was worried about him. When he finally surfaced six days later, he apologized: “I had family visiting from abroad. We went to see Billy Elliot! I loved it so much!” Another friend of mine’s date brought his two Chihuahuas with him to dinner. And then to bed. I just had a first (and last) date with a dude who brought me to a restaurant he “semi-owned” (shoulda been my first clue), where he proceeded to put his hands all over the female manager whenever she came by our table, and called her when we left. There’s also a longer story I won’t mention here, where a guy eyed my smooth arms, asked if I shave them, then told me he shaves his legs. And not because he’s a swimmer.

I realize this might come off as mean-spirited, but who can ignore the humor in all of this? Yes, these men are being honest I guess, but if you’re trying to woo a woman, there are some basic things you should know, such as, if you’re a strange bird and you kinda know it, “Be yourself!” is not the best course to take.

When people ask me how it’s going, and I explain what I am up against, they recommend the following:

Mom: Why don’t you join AIPAC or the JCC so you can meet Jewish men? Go to lectures about the holocaust!
Sister: You should become a tri-athlete!
Sister 2: Take a cooking class.
Friend: Why don’t you move to S. Africa?

New York, I love you. But at this rate, maybe I should try the latter.

  • What do you think?

About Jennifer Kelton

Jennifer KeltonI did not wake up one morning and say “hey I think I’d like a man use my sweater like a towel, write a candid dating book, become a dating expert, the CEO and founder of a social dating site and have three blogs.”

All of this has happened in a slow burn and here I am. The good, the bad, the mistakes, way too many tears shed to count, lots of wine and oh my goodness a huge learning curve that leaves me much of the time saying, “I’m sorry but this is all new to me.”

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