11 Dec 10

Saturday’s Memoirs: Adventures in Bad Online Dates — The Interrogation

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By Tiffany Moore

This was not the 1st time I went out with Markus. Our first date was mini-golf and it was so cute. I had a lot of fun. We had a nice hug at the end, we did not kiss and he had manners. His momma taught him well. I was highly anticipating our next date. We planned to go bowling, very typical. I am a good bowler and a lil bit competitive so it’s always fun. After I whooped dat ass in bowling I was hungry because killin em on the lanes w/ strikes works up an appetite.

He was like I know the perfect place for some bomb food, I was like ok cool. It’s Sunday and still early and I wasn’t ready to go home. So we are driving for a cool minute, I’m like, “where we headed to?” he told me “its a surprise”. Hmmm ok. We are driving down a tree lined street in the cut, and we pull up in a driveway. He turns to me and tells me this is his mom’s house. Your WHAT?! ” My mom’s house he says very nonchalant in his tone” Oh wow. I told him I am not dressed appropriately, and its way too soon to be meeting the fam. He says “oh don’t trip, c’mon” then hops out the car. What am I gonna do just sit here in the car parked in the driveway out here in the middle of suburbia? No. (Inside my brain thought: FUCK!)

I smelled turkey legs, cornbread dressing, and collard greens from the door, I am starting to think maybe he had the right idea. Then I step foot in the doorway after him and he introduces me to his mom. Then to his dad, twin sisters, cousin, aunt and uncle, and neighbors.

It is going to be a bad episode of Soul Food up in here. My cleavage introduced themselves first, then I said hello and everyone gave me a hug. His mom brought me to the table and said we came right in time, and I sat down. Everyone was passing plates and condiments. Then it was if all the lights shut off and there was a single bulb hanging from the ceiling swaying back and forth, back and forth in a smokey cold room.

The mom looks at me obviously playing the bad cop role in this interrogation. She drilled me with questions about education, religion, politics, occupation, motives. I riddled off answers to the best of my ability. I felt the handcuffs get tighter. She said I had “child birthing hips” and asked about my family, and did I want to have one of my own in the future. Beads of sweat gathered on my nose and forehead. Dad tried to intercept as good cop saying “leave the poor girl alone, let her eat Shirley” but she kept coming with the heat. I will not be defeated I say to myself. My tummy was in knots. I look at Markus for back up support. That muthafucka set me up! He got me feelin like I am about to do life, he left me high and dry eating his dinner like its the last meal.

Yeah the last meal because I am gonna kill him when we get out this house I swear on errrthang. I saw him give me a smile that said “babe you doin good” as he licked the gravy off his pinky. I wanted to break that pinky finger. Or cut a chunk off down to the knuckle like they do the Japanese mafia ‘Yakuza’ when a subordinate gets outta line.

She must have been winded by this time, I was so busy answering her questions my food got cold, and I was so damn nervous I lost my appetite. We exit the interrogation room/dining room and make our way out the door. I made it out on bail. I wait until he pulls off, “why did you do that to me, I was not prepared for that and this is our SECOND date by the way I shouldn’t be meeting your family.” He then comes with “well I think my mom approves of you” I am angry now, “I don’t want your mom’s approval, and now I don’t want yours either” We ride in silence. That long car ride home felt like walking down death row it took forever.

Lesson learned: Don’t date a momma’s boy because you will be dating him AND his momma and mom’s are hard to please. She will always be in y’all business and you will never be good enough for her lil Markus (or whatever his name is) Fellas don’t introduce a girl to your family until you have made it official and locked it down. Plus things like that need planning and preparation. Don’t spring it on someone its not fair for them especially putting them in a position where they have no choice in the matter. Don’t be a momma’s boy, be a man’s man. Make your own decisions. That’s what you have a brain for. If God wanted it another way he would’ve keep the umbilical cord attached at birth.

  • What do you think?

About Jennifer Kelton

Jennifer KeltonI did not wake up one morning and say “hey I think I’d like a man use my sweater like a towel, write a candid dating book, become a dating expert, the CEO and founder of a social dating site and have three blogs.”

All of this has happened in a slow burn and here I am. The good, the bad, the mistakes, way too many tears shed to count, lots of wine and oh my goodness a huge learning curve that leaves me much of the time saying, “I’m sorry but this is all new to me.”
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