10 Nov 10

Sasha Speaks: Answering Your Most Private Dating Questions – In Love But Sexless?

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Sasha Speaks 11.8.10

Dear Sasha,

I’ve been dating this guy who could be “the one,” the only thing is he has NO sex drive at all! ZIPPO — It’s been months since the last time we even kissed. What do you think I should do?

Sincerely,
In love but sexless

Dear Sexless,
There’s a big difference between no sex drive and not even kissing for months. Have you asked your guy what the problem is? It might narrow down the number of issues possibly at hand.

I used to date a man who took Propecia to stop his premature balding and that killed his libido for a few months. Lots of medications are known to dampen the mood so it’s possible your boyfriend’s prescriptions are gumming up the works. Low libido is also an early warning sign of MS but it could very well be that your dude drinks too much, does too many drugs, has a negative body image or is simply depressed.

Those are all the general, easy-to-swallow reasons why your love life could be flagging.

But there are also rougher possibilities.

Have you considered that he might be getting his kicks elsewhere? He also may be gay and you might be his very fashionable beard. Or perhaps he’s moved on emotionally and physically from the relationship but hasn’t found the words to tell you yet.

The truth is, it could be any number of issues and the only way to diagnose the root of the problem is to have an open, frank conversation with your boyfriend about why the thrill is gone. But you need to be prepared for whatever he may say.

It’s time to ask both yourself and him a very difficult but important question: How can you be in a loving relationship with someone without sex or physical intimacy? Because it sounds to me that what you have on your hands is an amazing friendship, not the man you’re going to marry. And, honestly, would you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who doesn’t relish at the idea of getting you naked or consider it an honor to kiss you good night?

If you want to try to resuscitate your DOA sex life, the next time you and your man are sitting around on the couch, watching Dancing with the Stars or what have you, don’t say a word, just pull down his underoos and see how he responds to a little oral stimulus package. I can’t think of a man on this earth who would balk at such an act. If he does, you know you have some serious talking to do. If he goes with it, maybe he’s just been waiting for you to invite him to let his freak flag fly.

Good luck!

*Feel free to email us with any dating, relationship, love and sex questions you may have for Sasha.

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About Jennifer Kelton

Jennifer KeltonI did not wake up one morning and say “hey I think I’d like a man use my sweater like a towel, write a candid dating book, become a dating expert, the CEO and founder of a social dating site and have three blogs.”

All of this has happened in a slow burn and here I am. The good, the bad, the mistakes, way too many tears shed to count, lots of wine and oh my goodness a huge learning curve that leaves me much of the time saying, “I’m sorry but this is all new to me.”
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