How it Makes Me Feel When He Doesn’t Call After Sex

By Dani Katz

It was purely carnal; we used each other’s bodies to get off and then discovered the chemistry wasn’t there, we didn’t fit quite right, or we loathed each other after we came. He didn’t call. Whew. I’m relieved to not have to deal with a messy tangle of unrequited emotions, or the awkward ensuing dialogue. In those instances, the process of unraveling my own self-judgments, reevaluating my aqueous boundaries and reigning in my historically troublesome lust takes precedence, and I’m happy to have the space to deal with them on my own.

When he doesn’t call, and I was into him, it’s a whole different ballgame: I’m confused, hurt, sad and pissed – as much at myself as at the contracted cowardly boy who hasn’t the courage, the tools or the dignity to deal with me openly and honestly. And then comes despair, where I wallow and wonder if there’s any hope for the entirety of this emotionally retarded humanity, when the man with whom I spent the night naked and entwined can’t, or simply doesn’t, respect me enough to share a next-day conversation about it.

But, that’s an Aquarian indulgence, and a cop-out, so let’s go back to my own feelings. I’m human, I’m excited to connect and to play and to love, and in the space and silence of no communication whatsoever, I’m left to assume the worst – that I’m broken, that I’m unattractive, that he’s dead. It strikes me as one of the most damaging and painful ways to (not) relate – to avoid the other, to run-away and to hide.

And yes, I see the hypocrisy – it’s right there, a couple paragraphs up, where I’d rather not deal with the discomfort of an “I’m not that into you” conversation. No one likes to have those conversations – well, no one who’s not a sadist or a cutter, but still, these are the conversations we must be bold enough to engage, because we are, in this lonesome moment, a sorely disconnected species of intimacy-starved beings, and the only way we’re going to evolve into better lovers is by respecting ourselves and each other enough to communicate what we are feeling, even if what we are feeling is: I’m not attracted to you, and I don’t want to do this again. Because on the other side of that craggy sentence no one has to wonder, no false hopes need linger, and everyone involved is free.