Disaster On Heels: 3 Quick Tips To Landing A Worthy Suitress

Dear Disaster,
What advice do you have for a non serial killer, relatively clean, disease free, attractive and bored guy to meet women worthy of me?
Yours,
FreeWheelin’

Dear Napoleon,
I think you pose a very challenging question. How do you meet someone that is actually worthy of you? This would be so much easier if we were on Dancing with the Stars. We could just let Bruno get rid of the ones who are not telegenic or who dance like robots. But alas, in reality we’re left alone with the hunt. If you really want to land a special non-serial killer lady, here are a couple of ideas:

1. Stand out from the pack. Avoid the black fleece mafia. Once you join, you surrender your personal identity completely. When you approach a woman in a bar, she won’t know if she was just flirting with you, or your friend. All black fleece people look the same.

2. Hang out in places that normies like to frequent. I’d say banks, but I’ve tried this, and eventually security starts asking questions. That said, grocery stores on Sunday nights are fantastic. First of all, since you’re meeting a woman at the the grocery store she probably eats food — congratulations! You already share so much in common. And second, this probably means she cooks. Which means she’s well-off enough to have a kitchen! Score.

3. Chivalry is not dead. I know this because he lives in my building . He holds the elevator door for me and sometimes, he helps me bring out the trash. Do this. And when you go out next time, don’t order a woman a drink. Bor-ing. Send her over dessert. Unlike booze, chocolate is an aphrodisiac that she’ll actually remember. And more importantly, you’ve just told her that you think she’s skinny enough to enjoy dessert. You’re in.

Good luck with the hunt.

Yours,
 Disaster

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